Yep. A SHITTY BATH SET.
Typical.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
RuPaul Sings "Little Drummer Boy". Yep.
I've been trying to gift you with a shit-tastic holiday song.
I thought of Mariah and Bieber's "All I Want For Christmas Is You".
But that's too mainstream.
No, my indie 93 FOLLOWERS! I looked long and hard, and found this little gem for you. Presenting the one and only RuPaul, singing "Little Drummer Boy".
Yep. This is how dedicated I am to you and YOUR NON-DENOMINATIONAL WINTER HOLIDAY NEEDS.
Lucy
I thought of Mariah and Bieber's "All I Want For Christmas Is You".
But that's too mainstream.
No, my indie 93 FOLLOWERS! I looked long and hard, and found this little gem for you. Presenting the one and only RuPaul, singing "Little Drummer Boy".
Yep. This is how dedicated I am to you and YOUR NON-DENOMINATIONAL WINTER HOLIDAY NEEDS.
Lucy
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Holiday Chain Mail
This holiday season, I decided to accomplish one of my most coveted dreams.
You might stop reading this in a bit if you believe in this shit like I do. Which is why I'm telling you right now, IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS TO TEN PEOPLE BY MIDNIGHT TOMORROW, YOU WILL LOSE ALL OF YOUR FINGERS AND THREE OF YOUR TOES AND THEN YOUR SOULMATE WILL MARRY KEANU REEVES AND THEY'LL MOVE TO THE HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND THEN ALL OF THE CATS WITHIN A FIVE-MILE RADIUS OF YOUR CAR WILL ATTACK YOUR TIRES SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GET NEW TIRES EVERY THREE DAYS AND YOUR CAR WILL CONSTANTLY BE COVERED IN CAT HAIR AND BLOOD AND WHEN YOU GO TO WORK YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ON FACEBOOK SO YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO AND YOUR FAVORITE MUG WILL GET STOLEN BY YOUR BEST FRIEND AND THEN YOUR BEST FRIEND WILL BECOME BEST FRIENDS WITH KEANU REEVES ND YOUR SOULMATE AND THEY'LL ALL HANG OUT AT THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND WHENEVER YOUR BEST FRIEND GOES OVER TO THEIR HOUSE, THEY'LL BRING YOUR FAVORITE MUG SO YOU'LL HAVE TO SEE YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOUR FAVORITE MUG AND KEANU REEVES EVERY DAY BUT NONE OF THEM WILL TALK TO YOU, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE KEANU REEVES BUT IF HE TALKS TO YOU HE'LL ONLY TALK ABOUT BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE AND THAT'LL SUCK REALLY BAD AFTER ABOUT THREE MONTHS. SO YOU'LL SEE THEM A LOT AND YOU'LL BE SUPER JEALOUS AND WHEN YOU TRY TO OPEN A SODA CAN, THE TAB WILL CUT YOUR THUMB UNDER THE NAIL EVERY TIME, AND THAT'S A HORRIBLE PLACE TO GET A CUT BECAUSE IT HURTS LIKE A SON OF A MOTHER. ALSO, A CLOWN WILL HIDE UNDER YOUR BED AND IT'LL SQUEEZE LEMON JUICE INTO THE CUT UNDER YOUR THUMB EVERY NIGHT UNTIL FOREVER.
So, if you're still a little foggy about what I'm making, I AM CREATING CHAIN MAIL.
Here goes.
Once upon a time, a pretty girl and her boyfriend lived in an apartment. The apartment wasn't very nice, but they loved eachother a lot and they had a sofa set from IKEA so life was good.
The boyfriend loved his girlfriend, but one night they got into a fight about Keanu Reeves and he went out to a bar. He ended up meeting a skank named Vuluptua and they had sex. When they were done, Vuluptua told him that since they had consummated their love, they would have to meet every Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of a RedBox machine. The boyfriend agreed.
When he met her the following Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of a RedBox, she gave him a seashell and told him that he had to bring it with him next Tuesday, or else something awful would happen. He was a little freaked out, but complied with her wishes and met her next Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of the RedBox with a seashell.
This time, she gave him a T-Bone steak. She told him to cook it in a pot of boiling water for three hours, then put it in a shoebox and bring it to the RedBox next Tuesday at 11:28 pm with the seashell. He agreed.
The next Tuesday, he came in tow with the T-Bone steak and seashell. This time, she gave him a goldfish and told him that he had to color the fish purple with a marker, then bring it with him to the RedBox next Tuesday along with the steak and the seashell.
At this point, the boyfriend started to get super frustrated. He was like, "OMG, wat a weird-o. We had sex, lyke, one tyme! Dis is SOOOOOO dum. Eye don't want 2 cullurr dis fish wif a markrrrrr".
So HE DIDN'T. He didn't show up to the RedBox at 11:28 pm the following Tuesday. He threw away the steak and the seashell, and flushed the fish down the porcelain throne.
That night at 11:29 pm, Vuluptua called his phone.
"Hello?" said the boyfriend.
"Oh hai," replied Vuluptua. "Wherrr r u?"
"Ummm... I'm not cuming," snarled the boyfriend. "I'm super buzy and I don't want 2 cullurr dis fish wif a markrrrrr."
"Y?" questioned Vuluptua.
The boyfriend replied, "Cuz it'z weird."
Vuluptua took in a sharp breath. "Well then, you must SUFRRRRRRR."
That night, the boyfriend and the girlfriend went to bed. At three in the morning, the girlfriend woke up and decided to get a snack. When she went into the kitchen, she saw.....
THE REFRIDGERATOR.
She opened the refridgerator and discovered that.....
THE MILK WENT BAD ON SUNDAY.
She poured it out into the sink, and when she went to throw away the carton......
THE TRASH WAS REALLY FULL.
So when she went to empty out the trash...
A GIGANTIC TRASH MONSTER CLOWN ATTACKED HER!
It was really gorey. Really, really bad. I'd show you a picture of it but it's REALLY gnarly.
Anywho, the reason that this happened was because the boyfriend didn't follow Vuluptua's wishes. So now, because of his foolish mistake, Vuluptua's wrath lives on in this chain mail.
Yep. You're very welcome.
Lucy
P.S. This is the trash clown.
You might stop reading this in a bit if you believe in this shit like I do. Which is why I'm telling you right now, IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS TO TEN PEOPLE BY MIDNIGHT TOMORROW, YOU WILL LOSE ALL OF YOUR FINGERS AND THREE OF YOUR TOES AND THEN YOUR SOULMATE WILL MARRY KEANU REEVES AND THEY'LL MOVE TO THE HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND THEN ALL OF THE CATS WITHIN A FIVE-MILE RADIUS OF YOUR CAR WILL ATTACK YOUR TIRES SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GET NEW TIRES EVERY THREE DAYS AND YOUR CAR WILL CONSTANTLY BE COVERED IN CAT HAIR AND BLOOD AND WHEN YOU GO TO WORK YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ON FACEBOOK SO YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO AND YOUR FAVORITE MUG WILL GET STOLEN BY YOUR BEST FRIEND AND THEN YOUR BEST FRIEND WILL BECOME BEST FRIENDS WITH KEANU REEVES ND YOUR SOULMATE AND THEY'LL ALL HANG OUT AT THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND WHENEVER YOUR BEST FRIEND GOES OVER TO THEIR HOUSE, THEY'LL BRING YOUR FAVORITE MUG SO YOU'LL HAVE TO SEE YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOUR FAVORITE MUG AND KEANU REEVES EVERY DAY BUT NONE OF THEM WILL TALK TO YOU, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE KEANU REEVES BUT IF HE TALKS TO YOU HE'LL ONLY TALK ABOUT BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE AND THAT'LL SUCK REALLY BAD AFTER ABOUT THREE MONTHS. SO YOU'LL SEE THEM A LOT AND YOU'LL BE SUPER JEALOUS AND WHEN YOU TRY TO OPEN A SODA CAN, THE TAB WILL CUT YOUR THUMB UNDER THE NAIL EVERY TIME, AND THAT'S A HORRIBLE PLACE TO GET A CUT BECAUSE IT HURTS LIKE A SON OF A MOTHER. ALSO, A CLOWN WILL HIDE UNDER YOUR BED AND IT'LL SQUEEZE LEMON JUICE INTO THE CUT UNDER YOUR THUMB EVERY NIGHT UNTIL FOREVER.
So, if you're still a little foggy about what I'm making, I AM CREATING CHAIN MAIL.
Here goes.
Once upon a time, a pretty girl and her boyfriend lived in an apartment. The apartment wasn't very nice, but they loved eachother a lot and they had a sofa set from IKEA so life was good.
The boyfriend loved his girlfriend, but one night they got into a fight about Keanu Reeves and he went out to a bar. He ended up meeting a skank named Vuluptua and they had sex. When they were done, Vuluptua told him that since they had consummated their love, they would have to meet every Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of a RedBox machine. The boyfriend agreed.
When he met her the following Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of a RedBox, she gave him a seashell and told him that he had to bring it with him next Tuesday, or else something awful would happen. He was a little freaked out, but complied with her wishes and met her next Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of the RedBox with a seashell.
This time, she gave him a T-Bone steak. She told him to cook it in a pot of boiling water for three hours, then put it in a shoebox and bring it to the RedBox next Tuesday at 11:28 pm with the seashell. He agreed.
The next Tuesday, he came in tow with the T-Bone steak and seashell. This time, she gave him a goldfish and told him that he had to color the fish purple with a marker, then bring it with him to the RedBox next Tuesday along with the steak and the seashell.
At this point, the boyfriend started to get super frustrated. He was like, "OMG, wat a weird-o. We had sex, lyke, one tyme! Dis is SOOOOOO dum. Eye don't want 2 cullurr dis fish wif a markrrrrr".
So HE DIDN'T. He didn't show up to the RedBox at 11:28 pm the following Tuesday. He threw away the steak and the seashell, and flushed the fish down the porcelain throne.
That night at 11:29 pm, Vuluptua called his phone.
"Hello?" said the boyfriend.
"Oh hai," replied Vuluptua. "Wherrr r u?"
"Ummm... I'm not cuming," snarled the boyfriend. "I'm super buzy and I don't want 2 cullurr dis fish wif a markrrrrr."
"Y?" questioned Vuluptua.
The boyfriend replied, "Cuz it'z weird."
Vuluptua took in a sharp breath. "Well then, you must SUFRRRRRRR."
That night, the boyfriend and the girlfriend went to bed. At three in the morning, the girlfriend woke up and decided to get a snack. When she went into the kitchen, she saw.....
THE REFRIDGERATOR.
She opened the refridgerator and discovered that.....
THE MILK WENT BAD ON SUNDAY.
She poured it out into the sink, and when she went to throw away the carton......
THE TRASH WAS REALLY FULL.
So when she went to empty out the trash...
A GIGANTIC TRASH MONSTER CLOWN ATTACKED HER!
It was really gorey. Really, really bad. I'd show you a picture of it but it's REALLY gnarly.
Anywho, the reason that this happened was because the boyfriend didn't follow Vuluptua's wishes. So now, because of his foolish mistake, Vuluptua's wrath lives on in this chain mail.
Yep. You're very welcome.
Lucy
P.S. This is the trash clown.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Rudolph the Red-Nosed LEPER
It's nearing the end of the year, misguided trolls.
In this month of December, I think about our little empire here at How To Hate Everything. Over a few years, we've cultivated 91 followers, 91 little beacons of hope for a hateful future.
I must say that I'm quite proud of myself! Although you little bastards have been stingy with the comments. I guess haters can't be choosers....
In this time of retrospection, I've realized that something is off about the holiday season.
As a group of beings, the world has made some extremely impressive societal advancements. We discovered fire and that was cool. Then we discovered how to make flameless candles that flicker like real candles but don't catch my hair on fire. This was an even more exciting prospect. We created the InterWeb, so we could blog about ex-boyfriends and yogurt hair masks. We discovered that if we put grapes in a barrel and let them sit there for a really long time and then mash them up with our feet and drink the remnants, it could make us feel more attractive and funnier and all around better.
In this month of December, I think about our little empire here at How To Hate Everything. Over a few years, we've cultivated 91 followers, 91 little beacons of hope for a hateful future.
I must say that I'm quite proud of myself! Although you little bastards have been stingy with the comments. I guess haters can't be choosers....
In this time of retrospection, I've realized that something is off about the holiday season.
Namely, SHIT-TASTIC EARLY 2000'S DEPARTMENT STORE CHRISTMAS SONGS. Namely, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
As a group of beings, the world has made some extremely impressive societal advancements. We discovered fire and that was cool. Then we discovered how to make flameless candles that flicker like real candles but don't catch my hair on fire. This was an even more exciting prospect. We created the InterWeb, so we could blog about ex-boyfriends and yogurt hair masks. We discovered that if we put grapes in a barrel and let them sit there for a really long time and then mash them up with our feet and drink the remnants, it could make us feel more attractive and funnier and all around better.
Yep. We figured this shit out.
We decided that perhaps this world was not enough for the likes of us, so we invented spaceships and flew to the moon. Well, maybe....
On a side note, is that a sheep in the middle? I can't tell. Moon sheep are fucking scary.
Then we decided that we wanted to be creative. We created beautiful colors with mashed-up berries and perhaps a few of the grapes we stomped on because we were most likely drunk and bored and there were lots of rotting grapes around, and we smeared these colors on pieces of papyrus paper and cloth to create art.
Brilliant artists, wordsmiths like William Shakespeare, Truman Capote, those dudes that wrote the Bible, the dudes that translated the Bible into a comic book series, and me (Lucy Beelz), used a primitive form of communication to mold whole landscapes, to tell stories and fables and gossip about Brangelina.
Did you know that she beats her kids with heated coat-hangers? They're like wire hangers, but heated like a curling iron. The best of both worlds. This is just speculation. Don't quote me on this.
Then, we took these magnificent words and decided to add intonation and rhythm to our voices to create song.
And then SOME EFFING DOUCHEBAG IN 2003 DECIDED TO REMAKE "RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER" FOR THE EIGHTH TIME WITH A SYNTHESIZER AND A DRUM MACHINE.
Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES because it's literally once every five or so years, I get all masochistic and pull up a CHRISTMAS station on Pandora for about twenty minutes before realizing that most CHRISTMAS music SUCKS.
Why does CHRISTMAS music suck?
1. They all have morals and shit. Let's dissect "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".
Let's talk about this little fuck-knob.
(On a side note, don't you love this picture? I think it was a picture taken shortly after he got mugged outside of Bel-Air for police records. I may or may not have been involved....)
The story of Rudolph, in song form, is that he had a fucked-up nose and that it radiated light and shit. All of the other reindeer were understandably freaked out by it because a flashing, glowing appendage is something that any animal would find threatening. Also, Rudolph's friends are all reindeer. They're not civil rights figureheads, they're not prone to understanding the deep inner-workings of acceptance and unconditional love because THEY'RE REINDEER AND THEY'RE FUCKING ANIMALS THAT YOU CAN HIT WITH YOUR CAR IF THEY JUMP OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY.
So these other reindeer harass Rudolph and call him names. The song doesn't go into specifics as to what names he was called. I'm guessing that they most likely called him "Chernobyl" and "Cancer Face", but I wasn't there so this is purely speculation. They also wouldn't let him play any reindeer games because HE HAD A FUCKING GLOWING PUSTULE ON HIS NOSE.
We skip a great portion of time in the song, and suddenly it'sCHRISTMAS Eve and the weather is FUCKED UP. It's presumably foggy, but we all know that means ACID RAIN. In this time of dire straits, the show must go on. And Santa, being the crude businessman he is, approaches Rudolph and asks him if he can lead the reindeer because his canker emits light. But if you read in to this a little more, you can see that this wasn't Santa's only rationale. Couldn't he clip a bike light to a reindeer's collar?
No. He chose Rudolph solely because Rudolph was disposable. No one liked the deformed deer freak, and no one would have been sad if he plummeted from the sky to his untimely demise. Santa chooses Rudolph with the belief that he will most likely sacrifice his life for the greater good. But the really fucked-up part is that RUDOLPH LIVES. Rudolph defies the odds and saves CHRISTMAS and all that shit.
At this point, the other reindeer are like, "What the fuck?" They sit around the water cooler and they bitch about it, and then one of them says, "Dudes, let's just let it go. He's fucked up, but he's like Terminator and he's not going to die ever."
Then they decide to be kind of nice to him, but "love" is a really strong word. And Rudolph isn't used to the other reindeer being cool to him, so I suppose that the circumstances didn't get way better just because he saved CHRISTMAS. The other reindeer may have stopped gang-raping him for a few nights whenever he dropped the soap, or maybe they let him drink some of the Gin that they bought with what pocket change they could scrounge up.
Honestly, they probably sat in their electric cages at the end of the night and ate the shredded pieces of plastic that Santa feeds them on special nights, and fell asleep in the remnants of their excrement.
Then they decide to be kind of nice to him, but "love" is a really strong word. And Rudolph isn't used to the other reindeer being cool to him, so I suppose that the circumstances didn't get way better just because he saved CHRISTMAS. The other reindeer may have stopped gang-raping him for a few nights whenever he dropped the soap, or maybe they let him drink some of the Gin that they bought with what pocket change they could scrounge up.
Honestly, they probably sat in their electric cages at the end of the night and ate the shredded pieces of plastic that Santa feeds them on special nights, and fell asleep in the remnants of their excrement.
But this story has a moral, which I guess is something along the lines of, "Don't pick on the deformed kid because he'll become really powerful and you'll look like a douche when people write songs about him."
Which is a really shitty moral.
Does Britney Spears sing about moral dilemmas? NO. No she doesn't. Do you know what she sings about? Threesomes and making out with Madonna. Who makes more money: Britney Spears, or Rudolph? Enough said.
I think we can all agree that CHRISTMAS music SUCKS, especially Rudolph. So instead of visiting your neighbors and singing carols, maybe try a little Lady Gaga or, my personal favorite....
CHER!
Lucy
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