Rudolph the Red-Nosed LEPER

It's nearing the end of the year, misguided trolls.

In this month of December, I think about our little empire here at How To Hate Everything. Over a few years, we've cultivated 91 followers, 91 little beacons of hope for a hateful future.

I must say that I'm quite proud of myself! Although you little bastards have been stingy with the comments. I guess haters can't be choosers....

In this time of retrospection, I've realized that something is off about the holiday season.

Namely, SHIT-TASTIC EARLY 2000'S DEPARTMENT  STORE CHRISTMAS SONGS. Namely, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

As a group of beings, the world has made some extremely impressive societal advancements. We discovered fire and that was cool. Then we discovered how to make flameless candles that flicker like real candles but don't catch my hair on fire. This was an even more exciting prospect. We created the InterWeb, so we could blog about ex-boyfriends and yogurt hair masks. We discovered that if we put grapes in a barrel and let them sit there for a really long time and then mash them up with our feet and drink the remnants, it could make us feel more attractive and funnier and all around better.

Yep. We figured this shit out.

We decided that perhaps this world was not enough for the likes of us, so we invented spaceships and flew to the moon. Well, maybe....

On a side note, is that a sheep in the middle? I can't tell. Moon sheep are fucking scary.

Then we decided that we wanted to be creative. We created beautiful colors with mashed-up berries and perhaps a few of the  grapes we stomped on because we were most likely drunk and bored and there were lots of rotting grapes around, and we smeared these colors on pieces of papyrus paper and cloth to create art.

Brilliant artists, wordsmiths like William Shakespeare, Truman Capote, those dudes that wrote the Bible, the dudes that translated the Bible into a comic book series, and me (Lucy Beelz), used a primitive form of communication to mold whole landscapes, to tell stories and fables and gossip about Brangelina.

Did you know that she beats her kids with heated coat-hangers? They're like wire hangers, but heated like a curling iron. The best of both worlds. This is just speculation. Don't quote me on this.

Then, we took these magnificent words and decided to add intonation and rhythm to our voices to create song.

And then SOME EFFING DOUCHEBAG IN 2003 DECIDED TO REMAKE "RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER" FOR THE EIGHTH TIME WITH A SYNTHESIZER AND A DRUM MACHINE.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES because it's literally once every five or so years, I get all masochistic and pull up a CHRISTMAS station on Pandora for about twenty minutes before realizing that most CHRISTMAS music SUCKS. 

Why does CHRISTMAS music suck?

1. They all have morals and shit. Let's dissect "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".

Let's talk about this little fuck-knob.

(On a side note, don't you love this picture? I think it was a picture taken shortly after he got mugged outside of Bel-Air for police records. I may or may not have been involved....)

The story of Rudolph, in song form, is that he had a fucked-up nose and that it radiated light and shit. All of the other reindeer were understandably freaked out by it because a flashing, glowing appendage is something that any animal would find threatening. Also, Rudolph's friends are all reindeer. They're not civil rights figureheads, they're not prone to understanding the deep inner-workings of acceptance and unconditional love because THEY'RE REINDEER AND THEY'RE FUCKING ANIMALS THAT YOU CAN HIT WITH YOUR CAR IF THEY JUMP OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY.

So these other reindeer harass Rudolph and call him names. The song doesn't go into specifics as to what names he was called. I'm guessing that they most likely called him "Chernobyl" and "Cancer Face", but I wasn't there so this is purely speculation. They also wouldn't let him play any reindeer games because HE HAD A FUCKING GLOWING PUSTULE ON HIS NOSE.

We skip a great portion of time in the song, and suddenly it'sCHRISTMAS  Eve and the weather is FUCKED UP. It's presumably foggy, but we all know that means ACID RAIN. In this time of dire straits, the show must go on. And Santa, being the crude businessman he is, approaches Rudolph and asks him if he can lead the reindeer because his canker emits light. But if you read in to this a little more, you can see that this wasn't Santa's only rationale. Couldn't he clip a bike light to a reindeer's collar?

No. He chose Rudolph solely because Rudolph was disposable. No one liked the deformed deer freak, and no one would have been sad if he plummeted from the sky to his untimely demise. Santa chooses Rudolph with the belief that he will most likely sacrifice his life for the greater good. But the really fucked-up part is that RUDOLPH LIVES. Rudolph defies the odds and saves CHRISTMAS and all that shit.

At this point, the other reindeer are like, "What the fuck?" They sit around the water cooler and they bitch about it, and then one of them says, "Dudes, let's just let it go. He's fucked up, but he's like Terminator and he's not going to die ever."

Then they decide to be kind of nice to him, but "love" is a really strong word. And Rudolph isn't used to the other reindeer being cool to him, so I suppose that the circumstances didn't get way better just because he saved CHRISTMAS. The other reindeer may have stopped gang-raping him for a few nights whenever he dropped the soap, or maybe they let him drink some of the Gin that they bought with what pocket change they could scrounge up.

Honestly, they probably sat in their electric cages at the end of the night and ate the shredded pieces of plastic that Santa feeds them on special nights, and fell asleep in the remnants of their excrement.

But this story has a moral, which I guess is something along the lines of, "Don't pick on the deformed kid because he'll become really powerful and you'll look like a douche when people write songs about him."

Which is a really shitty moral.

Does Britney Spears sing about moral dilemmas? NO. No she doesn't. Do you know what she sings about? Threesomes and making out with Madonna. Who makes more money: Britney Spears, or Rudolph? Enough said.

I think we can all agree that CHRISTMAS music SUCKS, especially Rudolph. So instead of visiting your neighbors and singing carols, maybe try a little Lady Gaga or, my personal favorite....

CHER!

Lucy