Holiday Chain Mail

This holiday season, I decided to accomplish one of my most coveted dreams.

You might stop reading this in a bit if you believe in this shit like I do. Which is why I'm telling you right now, IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS TO TEN PEOPLE BY MIDNIGHT TOMORROW, YOU WILL LOSE ALL OF YOUR FINGERS AND THREE OF YOUR TOES AND THEN YOUR SOULMATE WILL MARRY KEANU REEVES AND THEY'LL MOVE TO THE HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND THEN ALL OF THE CATS WITHIN A FIVE-MILE RADIUS OF YOUR CAR WILL ATTACK YOUR TIRES SO YOU'LL HAVE TO GET NEW TIRES EVERY THREE DAYS AND YOUR CAR WILL CONSTANTLY BE COVERED IN CAT HAIR AND BLOOD AND WHEN YOU GO TO WORK YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ON FACEBOOK SO YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO AND YOUR FAVORITE MUG WILL GET STOLEN BY YOUR BEST FRIEND AND THEN YOUR BEST FRIEND WILL BECOME BEST FRIENDS WITH KEANU REEVES ND YOUR SOULMATE AND THEY'LL ALL HANG OUT AT THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND WHENEVER YOUR BEST FRIEND GOES OVER TO THEIR HOUSE, THEY'LL BRING YOUR FAVORITE MUG SO YOU'LL HAVE TO SEE YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOUR FAVORITE MUG AND KEANU REEVES EVERY DAY BUT NONE OF THEM WILL TALK TO YOU, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE KEANU REEVES BUT IF HE TALKS TO YOU HE'LL ONLY TALK ABOUT BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE AND THAT'LL SUCK REALLY BAD AFTER ABOUT THREE MONTHS. SO YOU'LL SEE THEM A LOT AND YOU'LL BE SUPER JEALOUS AND WHEN YOU TRY TO OPEN A SODA CAN, THE TAB WILL CUT YOUR THUMB UNDER THE NAIL EVERY TIME,  AND THAT'S A HORRIBLE PLACE TO GET A CUT BECAUSE IT HURTS LIKE A SON OF A MOTHER. ALSO, A CLOWN WILL HIDE UNDER YOUR BED AND IT'LL SQUEEZE LEMON JUICE INTO THE CUT UNDER YOUR THUMB EVERY NIGHT UNTIL FOREVER.

So, if you're still a little foggy about what I'm making, I AM CREATING CHAIN MAIL.

Here goes.

Once upon a time,  a pretty girl and her boyfriend lived in an apartment. The apartment wasn't very nice, but they loved eachother a lot and they had a sofa set from IKEA so life was good.
The boyfriend loved his girlfriend, but one night they got into a fight about Keanu Reeves and he went out to a bar. He ended up meeting a skank named Vuluptua and they had sex. When they were done, Vuluptua told him that since they had consummated their love, they would have to meet every Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of a RedBox machine. The boyfriend agreed.

When he met her the following Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of a RedBox, she gave him a seashell and told him that he had to bring it with him next Tuesday, or else something awful would happen. He was a little freaked out, but complied with her wishes and met her next Tuesday at 11:28 pm in front of the RedBox with a seashell.

This time, she gave him a T-Bone steak. She told him to cook it in a pot of boiling water for three hours, then put it in a shoebox and bring it to the RedBox next Tuesday at 11:28 pm with the seashell. He agreed.

The next Tuesday, he came in tow with the T-Bone steak and seashell. This time, she gave him a goldfish and told him that he had to color the fish purple with a marker, then bring it with him to the RedBox next Tuesday along with the steak and the seashell.

At this point, the boyfriend started to get super frustrated. He was like, "OMG, wat a weird-o. We had sex, lyke, one tyme! Dis is SOOOOOO dum. Eye don't want 2 cullurr dis fish wif a markrrrrr".

So HE DIDN'T. He didn't show up to the RedBox at 11:28 pm the following Tuesday. He threw away the steak and the seashell, and flushed the fish down the porcelain throne.

That night at 11:29 pm, Vuluptua called his phone.

"Hello?" said the boyfriend.

"Oh hai," replied Vuluptua. "Wherrr r u?"

"Ummm... I'm not cuming," snarled the boyfriend. "I'm super buzy and I don't want 2 cullurr dis fish wif a markrrrrr."

"Y?" questioned Vuluptua.

The boyfriend replied, "Cuz it'z weird."

Vuluptua took in a sharp breath. "Well then, you must SUFRRRRRRR."

That night, the boyfriend and the girlfriend went to bed. At three in the morning, the girlfriend woke up and decided to get a snack. When she went into the kitchen, she saw.....

















THE REFRIDGERATOR.

She opened the refridgerator and discovered that.....


























THE MILK WENT BAD ON SUNDAY.

She poured it out into the sink, and when she went to throw away the carton......






















THE TRASH WAS REALLY FULL.

So when she went to empty out the trash...













A GIGANTIC TRASH MONSTER CLOWN ATTACKED HER!

It was really gorey. Really, really bad. I'd show you a picture of it but it's REALLY gnarly.

Anywho, the reason that this happened was because the boyfriend didn't follow Vuluptua's wishes. So now, because of his foolish mistake, Vuluptua's wrath lives on in this chain mail.

Yep. You're very welcome.

Lucy

P.S. This is the trash clown.