Gift Ideas (a.k.a. What To Get The Sociopath That Already Has Everything)

This post is dedicated to Weissy at the Meme Diary, for being so crafty!

Greetings sludge puddles!

Are you surprised that I'm posting?

Me too!

The status update is that I STILL have no internet at the hovel I sleep under. So I've gotten into the habit of camping out at the local Starbucks for egregious amounts of time and nursing Grande Cinnamon Dolce Lattes while getting reconnected with the modern world.

The Zen Buddhist inside me says that this is a refreshing lifestyle change that forces me to do more productive things with my time. The raging sociopath inside of me says, FUCK YOU. I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SEASON PREMIERE OF KIM AND KOURTNEY TAKE NEW YORK.

Anywho, the holidays are swiftly approaching and if you've gone into any major department store, I'm sure you've been bombarded with poorly composed 90's remakes of non-denominational winter holiday serenades. Mind you, it's still November. Yep. I can stomach this shit on December 1st. But it's still November, everyone. IT'S STILL NOVEMBER. We're barely done celebrating the genocide of American Indians, for those of us in the land of opportunity and Kevin Bacon.

The question on most of your pea-sized minds is, what do I get my loved ones for my non-denominational winter holiday of choice?

Let me help you out.

*For the receptionist/second cousin that you really don't care about at all/your step-grandchild*

Simple.

A BATH SET.

Nice and cheap. Mostly made from high-fructose corn syrup and silica gel. The PERFECT gift for the people that could die anytime they wanted to, without you caring.

*For Your Significant Other*

This always seems to be difficult for people to figure out. It's SO easy, everyone! Get him/her/it...

MANE 'N TAIL! Or, any personal hygiene products. For the difficult-to-shop-for female lover in your life, get her...

CHEAP ASS MAKEUP!

The cheaper, the better. This gift says, "You look like shit most days, so I want to give you something that makes you look better. But I'm not dropping more than three bucks on your ass, because that's how much you're worth to me."

Sheer PERFECTION. How did I become so smart? Not with my useless degree. That's for damn sure.

*For Your Parents*

If you're anything like me, your parents are very hard to shop for because they never tell you what they want. This is most likely different for me because my parents are SATAN'S PERSONAL ASSISTANTS.

So, when in doubt, a marvelous gift idea for them is...



A SNUGGIE!

Here's my logic. Snuggies, in theory, pretty much suck. They're ugly and they make you feel old and sleazy.

But let me tell you something. I had the utter misfortune of being near a Snuggie while I was pothole-sitting for a sworn enemy of mine. 'Twas a dark and stormy night, with only twenty-seven minutes remaining until re-runs of Friends started playing, and I was EXTREMELY COLD. In my time of need, I had nowhere else to turn. So I sought shelter in the fleeced arms of a Blue Plaid Snuggie.

Truth be told, it was actually kind of nice.

So here's why I think it's a good gift idea for your parents.

1) They're old and most likely cold all the time because the icy breath of death is crawling down their necks.

2) They come in lots of different colors. You can even get sports team-themed Snuggies.

3) They're supposed to be worn with the long part in the front, but if you turn it around, you can wear it like a SATANIC RITUAL ROBE.

4) It's machine-washable.

I hope that my brilliant gift ideas have made your holiday shopping experience much more heartless and methodical that it already was. And that's saying a lot, because it was pretty heartless and methodical to begin with.

Lucy