The Gift That Keeps On Giving NOTHING To Society

Do you know what I HATE?

SHITTY SPA GIFTS.

If you're a little foggy about what I'm talking about, here's an example.

Yep.

Shitty spa gifts are what I like to refer to as cheap ass chick shit. If you go the shittiest cheap ass chick shit store you know, there'll be an entire aisle of these bath sets.

These craptastic sets always have a few things in common. 

No-name shower gel, made out of silica gel and red lake #5. LUXURIOUS.

Bath salts.

On a side note, have you ever used bath salts? It's really unpleasant. They take FOREVER to dissolve so when you get in the tub, you have to sit on these sharp, jagged pieces of rock for twenty minutes. Plus it makes your tub all filmy and I HATE THAT SHIT. But I have so many tubes of bath salt because the ONLY GIFT THAT ANYONE GETS ME IS SHITTY SPA SETS so I feel obligated to use them.

But then a friend of mine that I'll refer to as Pigpen for legal reasons suggested that I could do THIS with my bath salts...

So I'm feeling WAY better about the situation. I digress. Also, the typical shitty spa gift includes...

A FUCKING LOOFAH.

On a side note, who actually uses a loofah? They just look gross to me. I know they're full of small animals and dust mites and shit. So the only logical thing I would want to do with it is rub it ALL OVER my clean body.

Shitty spa gifts may or may not include...

Bizarre bath CONTRAPTIONS, like the cylindrical thing up there. What the hell is that?! Why would my grandmother give this to me? Bizarre bath contraptions cross the line from shitty to a little creepy.

Sometimes a shitty spa gift is EXTRA shitty because IT'S SO CHALK-FULL OF SHIT that it's junky. Like this. There's at least six containers of perfumed liquid that we can see in this shitty bath set. What do you need all of that perfumed liquid for? Also, half of the perfumed liquid isn't labelled, and there's no way of knowing what it is exactly. So I spend about twenty minutes standing in the shower, opening these little bottles of perfumed liquid and rubbing them on my arms, because there's no real way that perfumed liquid from a shitty spa set can fuck up my arms. Unless it's that Taiwanese battery acid shower gel. You can never be too sure....

The best part about shitty spa gifts is that it's always the same people that give them out.

The List of People Most Likely To Give You A Shitty Spa Set

1) Secretaries

2) Old People

3) Estranged Grandparents

4) HEARTLESS SOCIOPATHS

The next best part is which holidays I receive shitty bath gifts for. This is a trick question. When are you most likely to receive a shitty spa set?

Any thoughts?

WRONG!

I'm just assuming you're wrong. It's my nature. THE WAY I IS.

You are most likely to receive a shitty spa gift anywhere from a few weeks to a month after any major holiday, like Christmas or Hannukah.

Do you know why this is the time you are most likely to receive a shitty bath set?

Because if this person actually cared about your feelings, you would have seen them ON CHRISTMAS OR HANNUKAH.

They don't even care about you enough to give you your present a few days after your denominational winter holiday of choice. It's a few weeks after that the pangs of unfounded guilt begin to strike them, like miniature baseball bats pegging a tiny metaphorical 1987 Chevy Impala in their cerebellum.

Shitty bath sets are like vermin, or the kid sleeping in your basement and eating your Ben and Jerry's night after night when you paid for it to GO TO COLLEGE. They're ALWAYS AROUND. Always. And even if you throw them out, they never truly leave. They'll be back next year, believe you me.

At least you can snort bath salts. That's what Pigpen told me.

Lucy