Bathroom PIX

Do you know what I hate?

Simple.

BATHROOM PIX.

I know you've seen one.

Not like this.

No. That's marginally acceptable. I'm not really digging the metal horse head on the toilet, but whatev.

No, comrades. I speak of THIS.

You know you've seen them. You know you've taken a couple, during those dark times where you had no friends or perhaps you just wanted to know how your hair looked and had no one that would give you an honest opinion about your Bump-It BEEHIVE.

I used to be friends with previously-pictured DOUCHE on Facebook. I'm not sure if it's illegal to throw him to the metaphorical dogs by posting all of his gnarly bathroom pix, but I've been to juvie and I'M NOT AFRAID TO GO BACK, PREMATURE MUSKRATS.

So here are some of his greatest hits.

Or...

And my personal fave...

So if you're still confused as to what a "bathroom pic" is, it's a self-portrait taken in a bathroom mirror. It becomes embarrassing when said subject decides to post their "bathroom pix" on a social networking website.

Does anything about THIS picture...

Make you think, "Damn, this chick is REALLY cool" ?

Do you know what it makes me think?

It makes me think that she is under the false impression that she's EFFING HOT and all that anyone would want to to when looking at this picture is masturbate until the Rapture comes, which apparently is today.

So HAPPY RAPTURE, SIN-STAINED WRETCHES!!!

Anywho, bathroom pix say a lot about a person.

1) Bathroom pix are screaming, "I have no friends that like me enough to take a picture of me". Therefore, the subject must take pictures of themselves to remind its minimal amount of Facebook friends that they are, in fact, still alive and free to go to coffee on Friday night WHENEVER you have time.

2) Most likely, if not 100% of the time, bathroom pix are AWFUL. Don't quote me on the statistics, I still have to do some research before I publish my doctorate dissertation. However, the subject ALWAYS looks like shit. More often than not, there's a duck face involved.

This is the "duck face" as evidenced in its breeding grounds, the bathroom pic. Also, your malformed bones creep me out.

Why do you think you're hot? If you have no friends that will take a picture of you, then why would you think that you're even mildly attractive? Shit, I don't even know my neighbors but if I were to approach them with a can of bear mace and ask, "Would you take a picture of me?" (and by ask I mean MACE THEM AND PUT MY KODAK IN THEIR SHRIVELED HANDS,) they would TOTALLY take a picture of me. If I can get someone to take a picture of me, ANYONE CAN. Which is why I don't understand how non-sociopaths can't figure it out. IT'S SO SIMPLE GUYS. SO SIMPLE.

3) When viewing a bathroom pic, you get an impromptu tour of a person's bathroom. Do they decorate? Is it simple? Beige paint? Monogrammed towels? Blood on the walls?

Everything I needed to know about THIS gentleman is revealed to me in this bathroom pic. I see he enjoys Western doctor's office art. I also see that he doesn't use his towel rack, which leads me to believe that he doesn't do laundry or shower. I also see that the wall tile is yellowed or yellowing, so I've discovered that he has a fear of Clorox.

BOOM. I know everything I need to know about him.

So thank you, bathroom pix. Thank you for giving me one more thing to hate. And thank you for making it much easier for me to figure out the floor plan of a person's house so I can ROB THEM BLIND.

Lucy

P.S. For legal reasons, I've never "robbed" a house, per se. I have borrowed things from the residences of strangers that I may or may not have Tazed. And I may or may not have returned said things.

My conscience feels light.