Do you know what I hate??
Getting up in the morning.
Me and this guy. We have problems.
I, like every other upper-middle class demon I know, have a job. In order to maintain my job at the Blue Sky Mortuary, I have to show up at a reasonable hour. Lifeless bodies don't embalm themselves!
So every night I set my alarm to about 8:10 am because I don't believe in waking up at 8 in the morning, but I have to get to work at 9.
And every morning, it's the same.
IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GET UP.
My alarm goes off, which is an string-accompanied version of Cher's "Song for the Lonely", because I like to keep my mornings zen. At this moment when I realize that the night is over and that REAL LIFE BEGINS.
MY BODY REJECTS THIS NOTION.
In the morning, the world outside realistically looks like this....
Peaceful enough. Do you like my artsy sun? I got kinda carried away....
But when I wake up in the morning, this is what my body thinks that my day will hold....
NOOOO WHY GOD WHY???!!!!
Then I play this fun little game with my snooze button that I like to call:
"SHUT THE FUCK UP."
8:10 am: Alarm goes off, Cher's digitized voice croons, "This is a soo-"
MY BODY REJECTS THIS NOTION.
In the morning, the world outside realistically looks like this....
Peaceful enough. Do you like my artsy sun? I got kinda carried away....
But when I wake up in the morning, this is what my body thinks that my day will hold....
NOOOO WHY GOD WHY???!!!!
Then I play this fun little game with my snooze button that I like to call:
"SHUT THE FUCK UP."
8:10 am: Alarm goes off, Cher's digitized voice croons, "This is a soo-"
So I hit snooze. This is the most accurate representation of what I look like in the morning. GARISH AND SCRAWNY.
My snooze is only for five minutes, which I think is FUCKED UP. You can't do shit in five minutes. Well, that's a lie. I could open a chip bag in five minutes, if it was one of those fancy zip-open bags. But a normal bag, FUCK NO.
I digress. So my alarm clock goes off again. Cher wails, "This is a soooo-"
I hit the snooze.
This goes on for about 30 minutes, and then I start getting mad. As the soulful stylings of Cher blast into my ear canal every five minutes, I begin to wonder...
WHY DOES CHER HATE ME SO MUCH WHEN I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT LOVE HER?
Suddenly, my alarm clock changes into...
WHY.
This is when I realize that Cher doesn't really hate me after all. She just wants me to go to work and make more money so I can buy more Collector's Edition Cher memorabilia.
OK Cher. OK.
This is why I hate waking up in the morning. But I sure do love my edgy new Cher poster!
Lucy
Oh my gosh. I wage the same war against my snooze button and morning in general. I also find that unless my ipod/alarm clock plays something violent and angry, the song lulls me back to sleep and I don't even have to hit the snooze button. Then I wake up 30 minutes later like, "CRAP"
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA My gosh. You are a genius. Alarm clocks are devils disguised as angels.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteI cannot get up either. I have my mobile alarm (which like a siren and a mans voice saying cunt - true), the alarm on my watch (which I wear to bed so it beeps in my ear), the alarm on my landline (which I set to the most annoying ringtone) and another clock that buzzes.
And I hear them in my sleep and think fuck off.
I'm never on time for work.
a five minute snooze? are they mad!? you should get one of those fancy new 'smart' phones that all the kids are using these days, if you use it as an alarm clock, you decide how long the snooze is...it's genius!
ReplyDeleteWhy don't u buy yourself an alarm midget? They're not that expensive and they wake u up by smacking you inthe face with a live eel.
ReplyDeleteraz, that's totally why i can't listen to "believe" in the mornings! WE ARE KINDRED SOULS!
ReplyDeletejustina, you're so right. and i would know, since i'm... since i'm lucifer and all. har har HAR!
cowgirl, i think we need to invent a new alarm clock that isn't small and heartless and electronic. any ideas?
id, smartphones remind me of roombas. i feel like one day they'll revolt. however, i have seen that lighter app they have for iphones and i'm not going to lie, I WANT IT.
rafa, would i have to provide a tank for said eel? or does that come with the midget? does the midget store itself in the tank with the eel? that would be preferable. i'm very space-conscious and i like to stay organized....
I hate waking up early too! I set my alarm for 5 am and sometimes hit snooze until 5:30 pm. I love sleeping in on the weekends. I am not a morning person, either!
ReplyDelete