Lucy's HATEFUL Advice!

It has come to my attention that the world is a truly screwed-up place.

Did you know that the Loch Ness monster decided to move to Alaska? What the fuck, Nessie?

In this time of need, I have decided to do the unthinkable: BECOME A HELPFUL PERSON, (and by person, I mean DEMON SPAWN). And how will I go about being helpful?

Perhaps volunteering at a soup kitchen?

Eew. No.

Buying new clothes for less-fortunate strippers?

Maybe. But I'd have to go to the mall.

No. I have found the perfect way to help out all of mankind by not leaving my pothole.

I WILL BE BE DISPENSING ADVICE.

Let's face the facts, squeegee kids. I'VE GOT MY SHIT FIGURED OUT. I live in a rather pleasant pothole,  I have 85 FOLLOWERS, I'm in the know about most reality TV shows on E! Don't you wish you could be just like me?

Go ahead. Answer me out loud, even if you're at the office. DON'T YOU WISH THAT YOU WERE ME?








































I could hear you through the screen. Of course you want to be just like me! Also, you're a little shorter in person.

Here are some of my first questions.

Lucifer, I have some troubles with my parents. I just can't seem to get along with them! How can I get them to accept me?

Miss Understood

To Miss-

They most likely don't accept you because you're unattractive. And whose problem is that? Not mine, Burlap Bag. Or theirs, really. So I think the real question is, how do you become more attractive? Simple. Trash facials! Put trash on your face and leave it on for ten minutes. Squeegee it off and you'll be a little hotter.

Lucy, My boss and I get along really well. But lately, our relationship has been bordering upon flirtatious and slightly romantic. How do I keep our relationship professional?

Business Romantic

Dear Business,

Two words: KILL HIM. Problem solved. How you couldn't figure this out on your own is beyond me.

I have a problem with bugs, Lucifer. How do I get rid of an infestation problem?

Bugging Out

Dear Bugging Out,

Eew. OK. You'll need some thick thread and a tape recorder.

1) Find a bug in your house.
2) Kill it in a VERY gruesome and sadistic manner. I like spraying it with hairspray until it can't move and playing John Cougar Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane" on loop until it's fully dead.
3) Make a miniature noose with your piece of thread and hang the bug in a highly visible place in your home.
4) Record yourself saying, "Do you want a piece of this? If you mess with the bull, you'll get the HORNS." on your tape recorder.
5) Put your recording on loop and set your tape recorder next to your hanging bug, then leave for work. Come home and there will be no bugs EVER AGAIN.

If the problems persist, rent a hotel room and blast John Cougar Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane" in your house for two days.

There you have it. The start of my brand-new advice column! Do you have a question or a dilemma that I could EASILY solve? Feel free to leave your question in the CBox, as a comment, or if it's personal and highly embarrassing, you can e-mail me at ihateeverythingsomuch@yahoo.com.

Don't be shy. I want to hear all about your PATHETIC LIVES.

Lucy