I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!

Guess what, my legion of 79 strong?

I'M BACK.

I can't lie to you. Truth be told, I've missed the EVER-LOVING SHIT out of each and every one of you. Even Lepak, you C-Box spamming weasel.

I apologize for totally lying to you about scheduling posts while I was away. That being said, I don't quite understand the concept behind an apology and how I should feel because I apologized. Remorse? Is that like heartburn? I'm not sure. I had take-out last night, which could also explain that feeling.

Anyhow! In preparation for my absence, I asked my idol, Rafa from The RudeBlog, to write a guest post for How to Hate Everything. And I think today is a primo day to use it because I watched Bridesmaids and Rio a few too many times on the flight back to my home sweet pothole, so my eyes hurt. FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND MY UNBEARABLE LIFE.

Here goes! Many thanks to Rafa for saving my ass. Regular posting to start soon. I'm tickled black to know that I'll be tainting your slightly pure souls once again!

Hi, I'm Rafa from The RudeBlog.

You know what I fucking HATE?

This KEYBOARD I'm currently typing on!

WTF? WHO decided that the correct placement of my fingers should be on keys "ASDF" AND "JKL;:" Why the FUCK does ";:" get to be one of the primary keys? It's not even a letter! This is EXACTLY the kind of shit that frustrates me to the point of shoving HANDFULS of  "Capn' Crunch" cereal into my mouth and ears! Do you have ANY idea how DANGEROUS that is? Capn' Crunch cereal is made of tasty shards of GLASS! Sure you can get a sugar-high if you snort it, but if you choose to EAT it you suffer lacerations on your tongue and gums. It's a well-documented FACT that Cap'n Crunch Cereal is a main ingredient in CRYSTAL METH.

You know what else I fucking hate? EVERYBODY!

To be more specific though, I hate everybody that walks into MY office at work. Yes, yes I am your supervisor, but let me assure you that I have nothing but a COMPLETE and UTTER HATRED of EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY AND ALL THE USELESS CRAP THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! The only reason I don't carry a whip to keep you hamsters in check, is because I LOST IT when I was visiting your MOTHER at the ZOO! Unless you're coming to my office to bring me some "Popeye's Fried Chicken" or some nude pictures of "Bea Arthur" I have no use for you! If you're trying to KISS my ASS, the best way to do that is to LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to talk to you and whatever I did on my weekend is WAY too extreme for you to handle, so DON'T ASK!

You wanna know what ELSE I fucking HATE? SMALL TALK! Just because we are sharing this elevator to hell, it doesn't mean I need to hear you say "well, another day in paradise!" or anything else your little brain is telling your soup-hole to say. Small talk is for small people. I am GOD-LIKE! I'm not interested in discussing the weather. You think it's hot now? Keep talking to me about it and you'll find out how HOT it is under my CAR!