Hear Ye, Hear Ye! CBox HATE MAIL! Huzzah!

Today, my flawed side tables. Today is a HUGE day for you and I.

Because today I got my first HATEFUL COMMENT!

Check the CBox to your right.

Woo-ee!

It's pretty good, yes?

You may find this hard to believe, but this is the first negative CBox comment that I've gotten! Usually it's just good ol' Lepak that spams the EVER-LOVING SHIT out of it in a foreign language, possibly in parcel tongue but one can never be too sure....

But do you know what this means?

It means...

That I'M MAKING MYSELF AN AWARD!

Isn't it GLORIOUS? I have been looking forward to this day ever since I was a wee imp! I don't know if you know this, but getting hate mail makes me a CELEBRITY. So much so that someone actually wants to interview ME! I decided to post my first BIG-TIME INTERVIEW right here.

(Let me start out by saying that my interviewer was a corpse at the Blue Sky Mortuary, where I work. I wrote out his questions for him because he's dead and he can't write. Oh, and I asked myself all of the questions because he's dead and he can't talk, either. But he's really a very talented interviewer and once he's cremated he'll be much more mobile and able to travel for future interviews!)

Horace (my interviewer): It's such an honor to be sitting with you, Lucifer Beezlebub, even though I'm not literally sitting with you. I'm lying down, because I'm dead. Thank you for making time for me!

Me: Yes. You're quite welcome, swine.

Horace: Tell me about your childhood. Where do you come from?

Me: Well, I come from the BOWELS OF HELL, but I'm sure you've heard all about that! So, let's see... I was raised by a COVEN of witches (not a "band", DUH) and contrary to popular belief, they did NOT abuse me. They showered me in Beanie Babies and fed me TGI Friday's Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip, thus making me intolerant to all other less exquisite foods. Well, now that I think about it, maybe I was abused a little. A tough life, indeed. But I prevailed and decided to HATE EVERYTHING anyways.

Horace: That's quite a rags-to-riches story. Now you're quite a fan of Cher and you're pretty vocal about it. So how can you hate EVERYTHING if you love Cher?

Me: Cher is quite simply air, musical air. Without Cher, there would be no music, there would be no golden ideal to compare everything else to. Because Cher is so perfect, I hate EVERYTHING that is not Cher. I believe the real question is, do you believe in life after love? NO. There is no life without Cher.

Horace: So it sounds as though you equate Cher to a Christ-like entity.

Me: OK, let's just say that if Cher and Jesus Christ were in a cage fight, Cher would kick Christ's ass with her astounding vocal range ALONE. Christ turned water into wine, but you know what Cher did? She was in The Witches of Eastwick. Have you seen that movie? Kicks every other movie's ASS. Did Jesus do movies? No. You name one movie that Jesus is in, not Mel Gibson Jesus. Yeah. Jesus didn't even get CALLED BACK for The Witches of Eastwick, and I heard that he even sent in a demo reel and really wanted to be a part of it. I think that it's a more accurate statement to say that Christ has posters of Cher ALL OVER his cave because she's THAT AWESOME.

Horace: Couldn't agree with you more, Lucy. I've had the pleasure of talking to Christ since I'm dead, and all he talks about is Cher's riveting performance in Burlesque. What do you like to do in your spare time, when you aren't hating EVERYTHING?

Me: Oh geez! Well, hating EVERYTHING takes up most of my day. I do go to the morgue from 9 to 5 because a demon's gotta make a living. Cher CD's don't buy themselves, although they probably would if they could because they are MASTERFUL PIECES OF ART. So I do the morgue thing, then I like to stop by Safeway after work to pick up a few packages of TGI Friday's Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip for dinner. Then I sit in my pothole and I dip any cockroaches and small insects I find into my TGI Friday's Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip. Then I listen to Cher's "Believe" until I curl up into a little ball and fall asleep. But I multi-task, so I continue to HATE EVERYTHING during my entire routine. It's hard, but it's a rewarding life that I live.

Horace: Sounds like. Your pale and nearly translucent skin is really quite ravishing. How many hours of sun exposure do you think you get a day?

Me: NONE. Well, probably about an hour or so. I have to go outside to cast spells, you know. Also I drive my maroon hearse to work. And I go to the mall to check for new Cher memorabilia. So an hour.

Horace: I think the question on all 74 of your followers' minds is, how do you feel to have received your FIRST HATEFUL COMMENT?

Me: Frankly, I'm a little miffed because I didn't get one sooner! I've been blogging on and off for nearly two years, and I dropped off during the summer of 2010 only because Cher was born on May 20th and I like to celebrate her birth through August, which left me little time to HATE EVERYTHING in that span of four months. I guess I'm just a late bloomer. But I am so honored to receive this first hate, and I hope that this will be the first of many hateful comments to come. We can only go up from here, and that is perhaps the most rewarding aspect of ALL-CONSUMING RAGE.

Horace: I think it goes without saying that the public has truly rejected your lifestyle. Congratulations! I'd love to shake your hand, so if you could put your hand into my cold and lifeless one, that would be great.

Me: The displeasure is all mine. Keep the hate strong, finchlings.

There you have it. My FIRST professional interview! Congratulations to all of my 74 FOLLOWERS for following my blog before everyone else will once it goes mainstream, because I'm now a FULL-BLOWN CELEBRITY WITH HATE MAIL and everyone will want a piece of my pie of BLINDING SUCCESS. But you, you have the honor of being able to say, "I hated everything before it went mainstream" and you don't even have to drink PBR or wear faded Passion Pit band t-shirts to get that indie cred.

YOU'RE WELCOME, 74 followers! We've hit the BIG TIME!

Lucifer a.k.a. The Artist Formerly Known as Lucy