Do you know what I HATE?
BEANIE BABIES.
GROSS.
I am a child of the nineties, meaning that I was brain-washed from a young age to believe that Beanie Babies were actually a hot commodity, something that every sensible tween should want to HOARD because they'll be worth FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS EACH in roughly ten years.
WRONG.
Beanie Babies AREN'T WORTH SHIT AND THEY WILL NEVER BE.
So now Generation Y has nothing to show for years of devout collecting, of pounding the pavement in front of Hallmark stores across the nation to get the the 1998 Holiday Teddy.
I'd be lying to you if I said that my family didn't buy me every new cat Beanie Baby that came out. They did. I literally had every cat Beanie Baby because I, like every other nineties tween, LOVED cats AND Beanie Babies. But, of course, this was the sensible present, because in ten years every Beanie Baby will be worth FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS EACH and there will be an infinite number of Beanie Baby collectors that will want to buy my mud-covered tiger Beanie Babies for FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS EACH because they're that AWESOME.
Wrong again.
What really sucked about Beanie Babies is that they would sometimes get holes in them. So I'd be tooling around on my bike through the neighborhood with a cat Beanie Baby in my sweaty little palm. But then I'd look down and it would be all deflated and flat-looking, and SURE AS FUCK there would be a little hole under its neck where all of the silica gel balls had leaked out of its head. It was almost graphic, like my cat Beanie Baby was rapidly losing blood and little pieces of its skull through the hole under its neck. NOT COOL TY.
So fast-forward to today, where I no longer own Beanie Babies because I'M NOT A LOSER. And then I see these people roaming the Earth...
And THESE misguided souls...
JUST LET IT GO, BEANIE BABY ADDICTS.
I think that collecting Beanie Babies for any reason is an underground form of HOARDING. Sure, you're not tunnelling yourself in a house full of pizza boxes and old issues of Teen Vogue, but you're collecting little overpriced stuffed animals on your dining room table.
I call for a full-scale intervention and I need your help. Your instructions are to steal every Beanie Baby you see and burn it with a Bic lighter until it is a pile of ash in your benevolent hands.
Our mission begins NOW!
Lucy
*sigh*
ReplyDeleteI also had/have all the cat beanie babies.
I still think they are cute, though....you know, cuz they are kitties.
I am a true blue dork.
I'm on it.
ReplyDeleteWait..WHAT? they're not worth ANYTHING???
ReplyDeleteSHIT!
What about my Teen Vogue magazines? Can I use them to pay for oil changes in my car? or are they also worthless?
I'm devastated because I'd planned to sell them for college money.
ReplyDelete*SOBS*
hey, i (no joke) live about a 10 minute drive from the beanie baby headquarters. the place where that ty guy actually goes into the office. if you want, i could prolly blow up the whole building, fight club style.
ReplyDeleteLove that post! It's funny, I quit my job in 2006 hoping my vast collection of beanie babies would allow me to retire. Fast forward a year and I'm living in a box under the freeway. But I must admit I had an amazing, plushy bed made out of beanie babies. But I still hate them.
ReplyDeleteHm... I think I have a total of *one* buried somewhere in the depths of my closet from hell, along with all the other crap I had as a kid.
ReplyDeleteI have never actually owned a Beanie Baby, and I'm a child of the 90s. I guess I was deprived...? Not.
ReplyDeletePlus, the only people who I knew who collected 'em were lil' old grannies who had about 10 Beanie Babies in the back window of their car. That turned me off.
scrappy, i'll forgive you. only because i'm a very understanding person. and also, these beanie babies aren't your ENTIRE LIFE because you're not blogging about them and their unique personalities.
ReplyDeletecowgirl, i'm glad that we have this bond now. you keep me posted and i'll do the same. i almost broke the windshield of a van in a supermarket parking lot to destroy a beanie baby, but there were cameras EVERYWHERE. and jail was not as pleasant as i thought it would be the last time i went.
rafa, i'd try the teen vogue/oil change exchange! sometimes they have perfume samples in them, which might actually be able to fuel your car! so i'd shove one teen vogue into your gas tank and light it on fire, then see how far it'll get you. i'll try it this afternoon!
lemons, my family did too. they also tried that with furbies. NO DICE.
id, if you did that, you would be the next che guevara. LITERALLY. i would put under-exposed pictures of your face on red t-shirts and sell them out of the back of my hearse!
sm, i once tried to eat a beanie baby. and i've gotta tell you, it wasn't the worst thing i've ever eaten! i'd say the worst was a dry oak leaf. that was bad. so if you ever get hungry, i want to let you know that eating a beanie baby is 100% SAFE
laura, are you sure you're not SUBCONSCIOUSLY HOARDING this beanie baby? think about it.
shanimals, you are a strong individual! i wish i could say that beanie babies never tainted my childhood. but they did. and look at how i turned out! it's all because of the BEANIE BABIES.
You guys are allllll retarded!! There are lots of beanie babys that are worth up to 5, 000 dollars but okay be a stupid fuck and burn all the money you could make by selling you dumb asses do your research stupid fucks!!
ReplyDelete