BEANIES

66 FOLLOWERS?! Say it isn't so!

Do you know what I hate?

FUCKING BEANIES AND THE PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEM.

YOU. YOU ARE A DOUCHE.

Let me tell you something about the beanie: the beanie is a hat that should be worn when snowboarding, or hunting deer, or trekking up the side of Mount Everest.

Let me also tell you something about the beanie.

YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR AN EFFING BEANIE IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER.

Oh, I'm sorry, is it winter in this picture? Huh, well that's funny, BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE EFFING SUMMER AND YOU'RE WEARING A WOOL CAP BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO ADMIT THAT YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE SHIT TODAY.

I don't get this trend. Don't get me wrong, I have a few beanies in my possession. But 1) they're all sadistic gifts from people that know how much I EFFING HATE BEANIES and 2) because when I go outside in WINTER and it's 20 below and the door handles of my maroon hearse freeze shut, I need one because I don't want my ears to fall off because I'd rather die than be an EARLESS FREAK. (On a side note, someone just informed me that "hurse" is actually spelled "hearse". FUCK).

It's the douchebags that wear beanies all day, every day. I see these people in the winter and I think, "Ahh, another person that refuses to be an EARLESS FREAK. Saluations, comrade!"

Then I see this person in April still donning a beanie and I ponder, "Is that person still afraid of becoming an EARLESS FREAK? Well, better safe than sorry, I guess."

Then I see this person at the end of June and I walk up to them, rip the beanie off of their head, expose their hideously misshapen mass of unwashed hair, light the beanie on fire and throw it into a clowder of rabid bobcats and then BEAT THE BEANIE OFFENDER WITHIN AN INCH OF ITS USELESS, INSIGNIFICANT LIFE.

I understand that most people are disgusting. Most people don't like to take showers. Most people have HORRIBLE HAIR. And instead of being able to make the connection that taking a shower usually makes your hair look better, these people decide instead to put a floppy yarn hat on their heads and ignore a very pressing problem, WHICH IS THEIR UGLINESS. So here's a lesson: IGNORING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL NOT MAKE THEM GO AWAY. Especially in regards to ugliness. And here's the catch-22, beanie-wearing imbeciles: wearing a beanie hides your heinous hair, but your heinous hair helps to block out small sections of your MALFORMED FACE. When you wear a beanie, those sections of MISSHAPEN FACE are exposed to the public for the first time in several months. AND IT IS SO BAD.

My advice to you is: if you're wearing a beanie RIGHT NOW and you aren't in the bowels of Antarctica, I'd suggest you hide and you hide VERY well. Because I will find you. And I will light your beanie on fire and throw it into a clowder of rabid bobcats and then BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR USELESS, INSIGNIFICANT LIFE.

Lucy