Why I Hate An Alternative/Pop Band Comprised of Ageless Boys

This will be a rather odd hate.

Do you know what I hate?

I hate a boy band. Well, kind of. An alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys. I really don't want to get sued and seeing as hating everything is becoming UBER POPULAR with 58 FOLLOWERS, (Hi ho cheerio, mutated periscopes!) I figure we've got to keep this puppy going!

Back to my point. I have a 100% legitimate reason to hate them. I don't even need my usual hyperbole or vibrantly colored text for emphasis, because this happened in a public venue. And about 300 tweens can back me up on this. Let me explain with my usual hyperbole and vibrantly colored text for emphasis.

A long time ago, I really liked this said alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys. I saw one of their music videos on MTV back when it wasn't the Jersey Shore network, and let me admit to you, I DUG IT.

I know I just lost a substantial number of groupies with that last sentence. But you have to keep in mind that I was young and impressionable and SUPER EFFING INDIE. So this angsty dude singing in front of an empty pool surrounded by SUPER EFFING INDIE kids really spoke to me.

So for my birthday, I got tickets to see this alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys play at the State Fair. To give you a taste of this fair, here's a clip...



Yep. A whole lot of THAT.

So I'm sure that the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys are STOKED about this gig. You know you've hit the big-time if you're performing at the Colorado State Fair.

Anywho, I get these tickets for my birthday so I start trying to find someone to go with me.

NO ONE WILL GO WITH ME.

I ask my friends (yes, I have friends, readers, I'm a highly charismatic person and I can tap dance which are the two key components of a lasting friendship), I ask my second-tier friends, I ask my cousin, I ask my biology lab partner who wears Kenny Loggins t-shirts every day. NO ONE WILL GO WITH ME.

Finally I sucker my then-boyfriend to come with me, (YES, I am capable of being loved for fleeting stints of time, cellulite bag!) and we head on down to Pueblo for the fair. When we arrive at the arena and find our seats, we realize that we're surrounded by TWELVE YEAR-OLD GIRLS.

But I'm not swayed. I'm pretty brain-washed at this point, plus we got a funnel cake so life was good.

Finally the concert starts and as the band comes out on stage, the TWELVE YEAR-OLD GIRLS start losing their shit. But me, I was a die-hard. Damnit, their songs spoke to me. I wasn't going to let some emotionally-stunted tweens get in my way of truly connecting with the rhyming dictionary lyrics that the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys would most likely croon to me because I applied my makeup with a paint roller and I was looking fly and legal in my Oasis concert tee. I'M SO EFFING INDIE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE MYSELF.

So they started their set and they're doing pretty well. I'm waving my cell phone around as my boyfriend is licking left-over powdered sugar off of the styrofoam plate of the fourth funnel cake we anhillated within an hour. Remarkably, I'm enjoying this. Keep in mind, these were simpler times.

At this point, the lead-singer of the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys, presumably high off of the crowd's energy combined with the fumes of Limited Too glitter body spray that over 89% of the audience was wearing, decided to get off of the stage and into the crowd to be amongst his fans. As he parted the Red Sea of pre-pubescent girls with his SUPER EFFING INDIE bony wrist, the crowd went into a euphoric mutiny. This is just as creepy as it sounds. Luckily, we were sitting in the balcony with a group of four parents and a couple of gay guys.

Suddenly, the lead singer rushes back to the stage and tells the band members to stop the music. He leans into his mic and says, "One of you took my necklace, so would you please give it back." The girls are recovering from standing on the same floor as the lead singer of the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys and his SUPER EFFING INDIE bony wrists.

He says, "It's very important to me, so if you could return it to me, that would be nice."

The crowd is unresponsive. My boyfriend just came back with funnel cake number five.

A moment of awkward silence goes by as the lead singer scans the crowd and then explains, "Look, my mom gave me that necklace. I wear it for every show because it's my good luck charm. And it's not cool to steal, so give it back now."

Now it's real uncomfortable. Another moment of painful silence goes by.

Now he's PISSED. "OK, here's the deal, I'm not coming back onstage if you don't return the necklace. So I'm going to sing this song offstage because one of you jerks stole something REALLY important to me and if you're so selfish that you have to ruin a concert for an entire arena of people, then you're a real loser. I can't believe you. I hope you're really happy about screwing up everyone's night because you're a pathetic klepto and you have to take other people's stuff just to give yourself a cheap thrill...."

This goes on for about five more minutes. At this point, my boyfriend and I have stopped mid-bite of funnel cake and our white powdered sugar-engulfed mouths are gaping open.

So the lead singer finally finishes guilt-tripping us and goes offstage. The band plays and he's singing but we can't see him, so we just stare at the other members of the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys. For the record, they're not very attractive, but they sure are ageless....

Suspicion creeps in. The audience uncomfortably shifts and eyes everyone else. At this point, anyone could be the culprit.

WHO'S THE JUDAS, GIRLS. WHO'S THE JUDAS AMONG US.

I lean over to my boyfriend and ask, "Are you the JUDAS?"

He shakes his head stoically, a few puffs of powdered sugar flying off of his lips. There's a moment of thoughtful silence between us.

Then he asks me, "Are YOU the JUDAS?"

I shake my head, "No". Then passes another moment of calculating quiet, where we eye eachother and wonder if the other is the JUDAS, if our whole relationship is a sham, smoke and mirrors, a twisted funnel cake of flavorless lies.

The song ends. The crowd is silent as the lead singer enters from the wings.

The moment of truth.

But, lo! The necklace has been returned! A cheer erupts as he puts it on and begins to sing again. All is well in paradise. My boyfriend isn't a good-for-nothing klepto liar after all! Not like this would be a deal-breaker for me, as you could imagine. So the lead singer finishes the set, and all is well.

But you see, the sting of fowl words still hovers over the crowd of tweens. A special bond was broken. We all feel guilty for something we didn't do. We feel used and cheap, like our "Dirty Litttle Secrets" are out in the open. The concert lets out and there's that stiff kind of silence, the silence you encounter when you know people just want to get out of earshot so they can talk MAD SHIT about what happened.

So that sort of made me mad, but not entirely. I applaud the lead singer of the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys for getting his necklace back LIKE A BOSS. He wasn't afraid of pissing off an entire concert hall full of TWELVE YEAR-OLD GIRLS that admired and respected the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys' heartless and deliberately vague Top 20 rock ballads.

But on the other claw, he single-handedly pissed off an entire concert hall full of TWELVE YEAR-OLD GIRLS that admired and respected the alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys' heartless and deliberately vague Top 20 rock ballads. Over a NECKLACE. I mean, I enjoy being angry but that's pretty dumb. I could see cussing out an entire concert hall full of TWELVE YEAR-OLD GIRLS that were Hungry Hippos fans. But dude, it was one TWELVE YEAR-OLD GIRL and she probably thought that it was a secret key to your fifth wheel that you dropped off specifically for her so that she could sit on your plastic mobile home mattress and discuss your heartless and deliberately vague Top 20 rock ballads.

My message to the lead singer of that alternative/pop band comprised of ageless boys is this: necklaces aren't that important. FUNNEL CAKES ARE. It's all about priorities. Ah well, I suppose I'd better "Move Along"...

Lucy

P.S. A shout-out to a kindred spirit from Stupid People Make Me Crazy for the most satisfying honorable mention that I have EVER received! I guess I should blog about potholes and maroon hurses more often!