Lucy's Beauty Tips

This one goes out to all of my lady followers.

Most people stop me on the street to tell me how INCONCEIVABLY BEAUTIFUL I am. Honestly, this is a nuisance because I'm a SOCIOPATH and after a while, I just get sick of hearing about it.

IT'S REALLY HARD BEING DEVASTATINGLY ATTRACTIVE AND SYMMETRICAL.

But instead of wallowing in my own self-pity and wishing that people could just treat me like a normal moderately attractive wretch, I've decided to do the unthinkable...

I AM GIFTING YOU WITH MY BEAUTY TIPS.

1) Bathe in fresh blood every day, preferably the blood of small children and/or stray animals. The more of a struggle that your victim puts up, the better.

2) Live in a pothole. I've mentioned this before, but I don't get too much exposure to the sun partially because I'M A SOCIOPATH and maintaining any contact with the sun means that I'll probably have to interact with or be around living things. But also because if you spend a single second in the sun, you'll probably get skin cancer and DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. So along with sustaining my pristine porcelain complexion, living in a pothole will prevent me from getting skin cancer and thus LIVING FOREVER TO SPREAD THE DOCTRINE OF HATE.

3) Kill at least one thing EVERY DAY. This could be a bug on the sidewalk, someone's childhood dream, or perhaps an unsuspecting Wal-Mart security guard. It's entirely up to you but you'll see more results if the kill is more devastating.

4) This is a little recipe that I like to call:

Everything That You Can Find in Your Trashcan Facial

You could look like this: Liquid SEX.

Instructions: Empty out your trashcan on the floor. Take a handful of your trash and put it into a blender. If you don't have a blender, just squeeze your handful of trash REALLY hard. Once the trash is liquid-esque and/or easily spreadable, SMEAR IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE. Leave on for about 10-15 minutes and rub off with a piece of steel wool. I do this every morning and my favorite part is the unpredictability. Pretty much all trash will work well, with the exception of batteries. Don't put batteries on your face. This is mostly common knowledge, but it helps to say it just in case.

I hope that my humble guide will help you lead your most attractive and VENGEFUL week yet!

Lucy