Going to Hell in a DISGUSTING, USED CAT CARRIER!

Greetings garden slugs!

This globe-trotting bullshit is really killing my mellow. I've been psychotically researching flights to try to find the absolute best deal that rapes the ever-loving shit out of my airline of choice. I'll find a pretty good deal for a round-trip flight that's $1053. OK. But then I go to another site and there's a deal for $1049. That's $4 in my pocket that I could hoard and/or spend on pot and hookers in Amsterdam. But then! I go to ANOTHER site and there's a deal for $1024. I'M ON FIRE AND THE SMOKIN' DEALS ARE FEEDING MY SWEET SWEET FLAME!

On Tuesday I finally decided to commit to just ONE red-hot smokin' deal, and it's been HARD. Now I'm taken, shackled down by the old ball and chain. This must be what marriage feels like.

Today I dug my passport out from under a pile of half-finished Sudoku puzzles and an empty carton of TGI Friday's Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip, (that one's for Violet! SOAK IT IN!) and I was reminded of just how good I look in my passport photo. DAMN. I sure am glad that I shot myself with the makeup gun at least three times before that picture was taken!

Anywho, do you know what I HATE?

JUNKY GARAGE SALES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

I live in a decent neighborhood. So imagine my surprise when I drive up my street and see THIS:

Seriously?

My neighborhood is the sort of neighborhood that isn't covered in any sitcom and should be. Whenever I drive my maroon hurse down the street, this is what happens....

What you're supposed to be getting from this image is that this guy is TOTALLY IGNORING ME while I'm waving at him.

I know you do the "courtesy wave" too, so don't even scoff at me under your breath in your cubicle. I know where you are. The "courtesy wave" doesn't mean you're bffl's, it just signifies the mutual understanding that you have with the people you live around. The "courtesy wave" translates to: "Don't key my car or knock over my mailbox and we'll be just fine".

But the best part about my neighborhood is that NO ONE believes in the "courtesy wave". Just this fact alone is amusing, but tack on the fact that they know they should return my "courtesy wave" but they don't. And I know that they know what they're doing is wrong when every wretched soul I pass who foolishly decided to be outside between the hours of 9 am to 8:30 pm does unnatural things to make it seem like they can't see me driving up the street. They'll stare at the sky, they'll look down at the keys in their hand quizzically, they'll bend down and pick at pieces of withered dandelion peeking out of sidewalk cracks, ANYTHING to avoid the "courtesy wave".



So it shouldn't come to me as a surprise that my socially inept neighbors would throw a yard sale, assuming that anyone in the tri-state area would want to buy eight used cat carriers. Honest to Satan. EIGHT. Eight gross USED cat carriers for sale in their driveway. Boils (my least favorite cat) would NEVER stand for that.

Continuing. They have a junky garage sale this weekend. From Friday to Saturday, I'm awoken by people driving over my pothole and trapping me inside. Not like I care, I refuse to go outside until at least three in the morning. So on Monday, I crawl out of my pothole to go to work. And what do I see?

My lovely neighbors have decided NOT to clean up the remnants of their yard sale. They've left it all.

OK, maybe today they'll clean up the rest of their USED TRASH. But I wake up the next morning...

AND IT'S STILL THERE.

We're now on DAY EIGHT of the abandoned garage sale. Cat carriers and all. Don't I have a neighborhood association? Don't they throw barbeques in the park and force me to pick the weeds out of cracks around my pothole?

This problem is extremely real to me. But if anyone needs a DISGUSTING, USED CAT CARRIER, I can hook you up.

Lucy