Truth be told, my muzzled tamarinds, I'm being massacred by an upcoming trip abroad that I've been obsessively planning for the last week. But one thing I've discovered that I HATE is that the ONE person I've told about my trip because we were both sitting in the DMV and whenever I'm in the DMV I get really nervous that they'll pull up my criminal record and see that I have a warrant out for attempting to knock down a "Deer Crossing" road sign because they piss me off (deer don't need the luxury of a "Crossing" area, mostly because they don't abide by the rules and also because they're RABID ANIMALS THAT WOULD KILL YOU IF THEY COULD,) and so I hope that they don't arrest me. And when I get nervous about potentially being arrested, I talk to strangers to calm myself down. It's a rather painful coping mechanism. Back to my point! When I told that one person, it asked me, "Are you going with anyone?"
To which I said, "Maybe. I pretty much hate everyone, and all the other demons decided to go to the Cayman Islands, and that's SO not my scene. So probably not."
Then it clicks its repulsive tongue and replies, "Oh. That's a little scary."
And I'm like, "Why?"
And it's like, "Aren't you afraid of getting killed?"
Huh.
I didn't really think about that.
UNTIL NOW.
Just because I hate everyone doesn't mean that I think everyone wants to kill me. So call me crazy for slightly trusting people enough to not try to kill me everywhere I go. It's not like I'm going to the Human Trafficking Bazaar in Thailand, though this wouldn't be a half-bad idea....
Also! I'm a demon, and I assume that this is a turn-off for potential murderers because I have a time-share in Hell that I'm pretty excited about. Which could be a buzz-kill for a murderer since I've always found more pleasure in killing innocents. Which would be the reasoning behind my second and third warrant. Shit. I'm getting nervous again and I say,
"Not really. I'm pretty scary and I emptied out a fire extinguisher and filled it up with pepper spray. So I don't think I'll have any massive problems with serial killers."
It scoffs and comments, "I'd be afraid. You're far away from home and in some strange city by yourself. So if you died, no one would know about it."
To which I retort, "Yeah, well I have a SUPER successful blog with 64 FOLLOWERS and they're all obsessed with my use of hyperbole and colored text for emphasis, so at least 20 of them would leave comments in the CBox, (check it, to the right! Go down in history along with Brenda! Look for the insightful comment by "Penis Extenders"!) Plus MY HOUSE SUCKS because there's this bug that's been decomposing in my bedroom doorway for over two weeks and NO ONE will pick it up for me. Two points DEBUNKED. Next."
On a side note, STILL THERE. This is funny because it's 100% true and it grosses me out so bad. I might put up a Craigslist ad for someone to pick it up for me. I'm very serious. To all of my pot hole-mates, YOU SUCK SO HARD FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME AND THE NEXT TIME I BUY A BAG OF STRING CHEESE, NONE OF YOU CAN HAVE SOME.
But this DMV freak really has me tweaked out now. Will I really get killed? Does everyone want to kill people that may or may not be traveling alone? I see lots of people that are alone at public places. I am a RAGING SOCIOPATH and I HATE EVERYONE, but I usually won't go out of my way to kill these people. Well, most of the time....
Is the world really THAT bad of a place? I mean, I hear about people dying all the time on the news, but there's tons of people that live on Earth. And most times people die on bus crashes, which sucks. But I don't ride buses because they're DISGUSTING and I have a rather dapper maroon hurse that I much prefer to tool around in for my late-night TGI Friday's Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip runs, (tangent, thanks for not sponsoring me yet, TGI Friday's. You're damn lucky that I love your Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip so much, or else you'd be CUT OFF).
Thank you for bearing with me, my malformed and socially awkward pets. I'll slowly start re-introducing myself into the cyber super-highway this week.
Lucy
absolutely hilarious post!! strangers are awesome!
ReplyDeletei LOVE that you called the stranger 'it', like 'it places the lotion in the basket...' hahaha.
btw, i was at the grocery store today and saw tgifriday's spinach and artichoke cheese dip...and thought of you! that was your plan all along, right? to infiltrate yourself into your followers daily lives...you're grooming us for something, me thinks.
i didnt leave the country and i was sure death was in my future... thats why i facebooked my location... and named suspicious people that would be the likely killer....
ReplyDeleteoh sweet baby jesus, that damned spinach and artichoke dip rears it's little noggin again?!?!
ReplyDeletemay i suggest that you wear a side ponytail hairdo and bring a metal lunchbox filled with tgifridays spinach and artichoke dip to ward off the serial kidnappers wherevverthefuck you are traveling to.
everyone knows that shit does not EVER happen in the caymans...
unless you are a white blonde rich bitch.
are you?
hmmmmm
The only way to make sure you don't get murdered is to assume EVERYONE is trying to murder you. This is how I make it through day to day! You MUST approach EVERYONE as though they are about to wield an axe at your head or attempt to slash your throat. trust NO ONE! Especially if you go overseas. Just assume that ANYONE who is NOT speaking english, is out to murder you. Nine times out of ten they are! The one time they're not, they're trying to RAPE AND MURDER you! Please be careful out there! And have FUN!!!
ReplyDeleteoh, i forgot about rape.
ReplyDeletei really seriously hope that you are not blonde and pretty.
you're in for it.
have fun though.
bring rufies, share them with new friends.
I would not arrest you for knocking down deer crossing signs - I would commend you and give you a medal. You are right, they deserve no such luxury. Heck, they even have ticks named after them!
ReplyDeleteSide note: this is one of the few blogs that actually makes me laugh out loud (I refuse to use the acronym).
Um, you're too good. I had to crinkle my nose to keep from laughing. Yes, I'm a very serious person and do not like others seeing that I have the ability to laugh.
ReplyDeletePS: My cousin was perusing the blogs on my blog roll and she posted yours on my Facebook page saying:
Thank you for putting this blog's link on yours. It's one of those that I can't read at work because I laugh too embarrassingly loud and don't want my coworkers to think I'm weirder than they already do.
PPS: That Craigslist ad? Priceless.
id, you are COMPLETELY RIGHT about me grooming you for something! now if ony tgi friday's would EFFING SPONSOR ME.
ReplyDeleteiy, that is an intriguing idea. i could make a list of people that would kill me and tape it next to my pothole. that's assuming that anyone knows i live in it. hmmm....
violet, i like the concept of using tgi friday;s spinach and artichoke cheese dip as a weapon! would this affect my sponsorship? and do you honestly think that my hair could be blonde if i was living in a pothole? i'd have to shower at least twice a week. AWWW HELLZ NAW.
rafa, that's a brilliant plan! and it would mesh quite nicely with my life mantra, which is, "try to kill me and i'll kill you WAY better." i'm still working out the wording, because it needs to go on my family crest, or at least one of those photo blankets you can make at wal-mart....
awww, thank you woody! i hope you roflcopter all over the place! effing deer. they're large rats that would kill you if they could. i'm glad you see this!
shanimals, THANK YOU!!! i think maybe we need to look into finding this craigslist guy. assuming he's not the craigslist killer with a new angle. but if so! i'd be ok with getting attacked by a komodo dragon.