HUNGRY HIPPOS.
I remember the first time I played Hungry Hippos. Now I don't know if you've seen the Hungry Hippos commercial, but if you go off of the commercial, Hungry Hippos is the equivalent of THE SECOND COMNG OF JESUS of board games. It's exciting, it's violent, it's like watching two hippos fight in the most epic battle of your entire life because it's right in front of you and you're controlling it, LIKE GOD. I hope all of my Biblical references aren't being lost on you, especially because they're in BOLD.
So I go into this game expecting hours of quality entertainment. I sit down with a few of my disposable acquaintances and hunker down with a few C-Rations and a Camelbak because we'll be here for a while.
"RELEASE THE MARBLES!"
We frantically scramble for the frazzled marbles, like islanders running from a ravenous stream of MOLTEN LAVA.
So we scrimmage, we push and pull, we smack and defeat and pillage.
We do this for about thirty seconds.
And then IT'S OVER.
COME ON.
Are you kidding me, Hungry Hippos? Seriously? In every commercial for Hungry Hippos that I've seen, it's all about this perfect melting pot of assorted PC ethnic kids who are kicking ass and taking names in the wood-paneled den of a one-level rancher house. But then you play the game and you realize that this perfect melting pot of assorted PC ethnic kids are EFFING SLOW when it comes to eating marbles and POWNING YOUR FRIENDS.
Anywho, you're done with Hungry Hippos in thirty seconds. Well OK. So let's count the marbles and see who's the REAL WINNER.
Frank has about 3 because he's LAME and the only reason we invited him was because we needed four players and we knew he'd say yes because the Tyra Show doesn't come on for at least another hour.
Murtle got one by accident because she's a PUSH-OVER WUSS and her name is Murtle because her parents wanted to make a joke out of her life. FINE.
I have about nine marbles.
Skyler has 23. 23 EFFING MARBLES.
Here I thought that the name of the game in Hungry Hippos was strategy. But there is NO strategy in Hungry Hippos. The only way to win is to hit the little lever with your fist AS FAST AS YOU CAN. So Skyler wins.
DAMN YOU AND THE HIPPO YOU RODE ON, SKYLER. THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU, AND IT'S RIGHT BELOW MY TIME SHARE IN THE AFFLUENT REGION OF THE THIRD CIRCLE OF THE INFERNO.
Lucy
P.S. Cheers to Nancy for believing in the power of the CBox! Whoever doesn't know Bill Murray is a sociopath and/or Amish and/or an Amish sociopath.
I wish they had "Hungry Hippo" tables in Vegas. I think the only adequate outcome to such unbridled violence is the opportunity for one to be murdered or lose their first born to the underground Bangladeshi sex trade. Gambling makes the world go 'round!!
ReplyDeletePS Being an Amish sociopath seems like it would be even harder work than being a regular sociopath.
I remember playing this game at my grandmother's house...alone. Not a fond memory, but I did win.
ReplyDeletei loved the dang hippos game, but i always got the gimpy hippo. i'd cheer it on to no avail. stupid sped hippo.
ReplyDeletebut- what's this- bill murray is an amish hitman?
your this is my dad post directs you to a page that says your page doesn't exist, then you click on your name and it shoots you to this post. So idk if you erased it and blogger is just glitched, but FYI.
ReplyDeleterafa, i think we need to cash out on this concept. but maybe somewhere a little more lax like thailand so we can throw in a little human trafficking. we could dress the slaves up as HIPPOS. degrading, highly conceptual, all around SUCCESSFUL.
ReplyDeleteahh scott it's so nice to have you back! i can't say i'm a stranger to playing hungry hippos alone. it's always that last marble that's a TOTAL BITCH.
sped hippos are ALWAYS a downer violet. i like it when they gimp out and their necks break so they lunge out all weird. i didn't know that i knew this much about hungry hippos....
and i'll check that puppy out, iY! but thanks for keeping me posted. those blogger bastards are trying to hold me down... BUT I'M ON IT.
Frankly, I don't see how it's possible to win at Hungry Hippos without breaking the shit out of it.
ReplyDelete