I hate it when people stare at me when I'm in my car.
I know this has happened to you at some point in your insignificant life. You're waiting at a light and someone pulls up next to you. But they don't do the "courtesy stagger" where they stop just a few feet in front of or behind your front windows. They line their side mirror up with yours. So you look over, curious to see who could have the gall to hazard such personal space invasion, and there they are.
STARING AT YOU.
This happens to me quite a bit. It might be because I drive a maroon hurse, or because my least-favorite cat, Scabs, likes to throw his body at the back window in a futile attempt to break free and wreak havoc on Western civilization.
It happened to me on Saturday. I woke up at about 1 in the afternoon and discovered that I had not been "Rapturized", (and I'm supposing you weren't either, so WELCOME TO THE CLUB, sin-stained wretch!) At this point, I decided to go to Hy-Vee and get a few boxes of TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip.
On a side note, I LOVE TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip. It's my breakdown food. Whenever I get super-stressed out because I can't find the remote or I have to take a shower, I curl up in a ball in my living room and inhale it. The salt from my tears really brings out the traces of garlic that push TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip from good to GREAT.
Anywho, I decide to go to Hy-Vee because if all goes according to plan, all of the virtuous people will be gone. And let me tell you something about virtuous people: they LOVE TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip. Am I right or am I right?
(I don't know why I don't copy and paste "TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip" instead of typing out "TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip" every time. Just then I typed out "TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip" and it takes a while. After typing "TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip", I realize that I usually forget to put in the "frozen" section of "TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip", so I have to delete "Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip" to insert the "frozen" into "TGI Friday's Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip", so I end up with "TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip".)
I need to shake that off. Let me take five and I'll get back to you.
OK, so my reasoning for going to Hy-Vee on Saturday was that I wouldn't have to fend the masses of virtuous people off with my tattoo of an upside-down cross that I got back in '04 on my left scapula just so I could get some TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip. I'm also thinking in forward motion. Surely if I've had the idea to seize the opportunity of getting TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip, at least three other hopeless sinner SOCIOPATHS must have thought of this, too. So I decide to get at least four packages of TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip because, as we all know, TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip doesn't grow on trees.
So I'm on my TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip crusade when I pull up to a stop light. Sure as hell, all of the symptoms of a spacial intrusion are in order: someone pulls up next to my car, no "courtesy stagger", lines their mirror up with mine. Reflexively, I turn my head and look at them.
And this is what I see...
AHHHHHHHHH! What do you want from me?!
It's not enough that we're making eye contact. You have to smile at me like we're friends, or like we're both onto this inside joke that we've created in this moment of forced social interaction. Look, I get that you're about 12 days from buying a pine condo and that we've got a camaraderie based on the fact that we're both survivors of the Rapture, but I don't understand where this can go.
So I break eye contact and focus all of my energy on the red light, selling my soul and the souls of every B-List celebrity I can conjure up, willing the light to change.
Come on.
If this light turns green right now, I'll send $20 to a dying polar bear.
If this light changes right now, I'll turn the cock-fighting ring in my basement into a soup kitchen.
The next time I see a wounded animal on the side of the road, I won't prop my "FREE MANDELA" sign up against it.
Umm... And? And... I'll call the Humane Society?
The "FREE MANDELA" sign?
I didn't think it was that bad.
How so?
Since when?!
Dude, no one told me that!
GNARLOTRON. Well then I'll get rid of it.
All right.
So...
So in conclusion, I hate it when people stare at me in my car. But a little bargaining with the inanimate objects surrounding you can fix that right up.
Lucy
People are so rude sometimes. I hate it when people stare at me just because I have my windows down and I'm SCREAMING at the top of my lungs at the light to change! Helloo!! Just because I'm screaming louder than your car-stereo can go, it DOESN'T mean you can look at me?
ReplyDeleteP.S. That lady in the blue scarf is totally asking for an ass-whipping.
lol and your not concerned with your conversation with a stop light at all? i did thoroughly enjoy that however. i lol'd at work and looked like a crazy person trapped in a cubicle... which is EXACTLY what i am...
ReplyDeleteif i want to eat TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip, do i need an upside-down jesus stick tattoo to purchase some?
ReplyDeletesounds like i must really be dedicated to TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip if i do....
Whoa... I laughed really hard when I got to the part with the blue-hair! Awesome :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, is TGI Friday's sponsoring you?
Give anyone who pulls up right next to you The Finger. That'll show 'em to honor personal space.
ReplyDeletefuck em, i tend to give em a little swerve in their direction... that and a bit of what shanimalscrackers said.
ReplyDeleteI'd stare death in the face, so I may be one of the guilty ones here. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI like the picture sequence... It's even more uncomfortable when the person sitting next to/behind you is someone you have just (accidentally or deliberately) cut up in traffic.
ReplyDeleteAnd then you notice they are 6'6, covered in tattoos hand have 4 similar friends in the Honda Civic...
rafa, all i do is yell when i drive. if people want to look at me, i'll direct my yelling towards them. that blue hair needs to check herself before she wrecks herself.
ReplyDeletei'm so glad that you lol'ed! i'd do a little roflcopter-ing myself if it weren't for the fact that streetlights won't LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
violet, TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip is non-discriminatory, but it tends to taste better with the upside-down cross tattoo than without.
woody, tgi friday's is not sponsoring me YET. but they should, if they know what's good for them. i know where tgi friday's lives and i'm not afraid to go to the pokey again.
shanimals, i've tried everything! what seems to work the best is throwing things, so usually i try to carry a package of TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip in my glovebox just in case. to throw. but once i throw it, i have to get out of my car and grab it because TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip is a hot commodity!
the swerve idea is good! but if i ding up my maoon hurse on a pedestrian, i'll get so mad. i hate picking hair out of my hood ornament...
scott, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences of staring at people in their cars. but if you have a package of TGI Friday's frozen Spinach and Artichoke Cheese Dip to give as a peace offering to the people you stare at, you're in the clear.
ahhhh that happens to me all the time! i like busying myself with something in my cup holder or in my backseat so they can't see me and flip me off. being flipped off scares me. i mean, it's just a finger, but it's an aggressive finger. a long aggressive finger.
holy hell i love you! this is the best thing ever, from you owning an apparently immaculate 'maroon hurse', the fact that you have a 'least-favourite cat', to this: 'i get that we've got a camaraderie .. but i don't understand where this can go'.
ReplyDeletereading about gimmicky american foodstuffs makes me sad. i can watch this on tv, i can read about tgi friday's frozen spinach & artichoke cheese dip, & how life changing it is, but i can't buy it. i don't know what the fuck a hy-vees is.
australia is bullshit. our burger king is called 'hungry jacks', & i had the real burger king in barcelona, & it was WAY BETTER.
This post made me giggle. When people look at me, I usually lick my lips and wink. I then get beat up. It's quite cathartic and not awkward.
ReplyDeleteyou get honorable mention for a blogger award, your choice to accept it, however i have given you an escape if you chose not to.
ReplyDelete