Magic Bullet TO THE HEAD!

I'm not going to lie to you. Today I thought I would write about burrito trucks and how much they creep me out. But then I found an article entitled I'm Addicted to Infomercials.

The gist of it is that this little creature...

Yes. I'll give you a second to let that soak in...

THIS creature got addicted to buying shit because infomercials convinced her that products like the Snuggie could "change her life".

But that's not the part that pisses me off. She goes on to say that her first informercial purchase that let her down was the Magic Bullet.

HOW DARE YOU.

Anyone who doubts the power of the Magic Bullet is EMOTIONALLY INADEQUATE.

Let me tell you something about the Magic Bullet: it did, in fact, change my life.

You can make ANYTHING with a Magic Bullet. Spaghetti, weinerschnitzel, you name it, you can put Splenda and an assorted complex carbohydrate of your choice in the Magic Bullet and voilà! Gormet food in a dishwasher-safe cup!

But that's just the superficial benefit of the Magic Bullet. You see, IT HAS POWERS. I can't tell you how, but when I broke my arm, I would touch the base of my Magic Bullet every day and after about six weeks, it was healed. I think it's working on cutting greenhouse gas emissions, too.

She goes on to bash fruit and vegetable-preserving GreenBags. To which I say, you tell me something that preserves a severed hand better than a GreenBag. NOTHING. That's right.

In all seriousness, how can you say that infomercials are that misleading? Infomercials always kinda creep me out because they're filmed like soap operas where they zoom in on a person's face too long and the lighting is too bright. These people are supposed to be actors but they look like normal people. Why would I want to be like a normal person? They all wear polos and cargo pants and a minimal amount of makeup. GROSS.

The key to getting a product to change your life is by not forcing all of your hopes and expectations on it. Let's think back on my Magic Bullet. Do you think my Magic Bullet would feel compelled to cure dyslexia and make dark chocolate marzipan if it knew that that's what I expected it to do? NO! It's the same thing with children. To all of the misguided parents that may have found this hateful little blog purely by chance and are reading it as a sick curiosity, like slowing down when you drive by a gruesome car crash to see the gore, my advice to you is that your kids will most likely not turn out to be Charlie Sheen Part Deux if you don't have ANY expectations for them! Give birth and then leave it alone. Put some crumpled up newspaper in a corner for it to sleep on, give it a Magic Bullet and a $20 gift card to King Soopers for nourishment and LEAVE IT ALONE. The same concept applies to buying things. Don't read the box, don't check the Consumer Report or the expiration date. Buy it and bring it home and let it sit there until it reaches its full potential and decides to WOW you with a magical power!

Well... that was a bit of a mouth-full, ferrets. But I won't mislead you like Little Miss If-Someone-Is-Going-To-Take-A-Picture-Of-You-For-An-Oh-Woe-Is-Me-I-Can't-Resist-Peer-Pressure-Article-Then-Maybe-You-Should-Put-On-Some-Foundation-And-Brush-Your-Hair-Out-On-The-Top-So-It-Doesn't-Look-Quite-So-Much-Like-A-Doormat will. At least I brush my hair.

Lucy