So I get my trendy Tapioca ball smoothie and I head out to my maroon hurse, which is just about a block away from the BOBA place. And what do I see?
I SEE A PARKING ATTENDANT WRITING ME AN EFFING TICKET.
So I limp, perhaps scuttle, a little faster down the sidewalk. I approach the parking attendant mutant, a middle-aged woman with shoulder-length hair that's awkwardly cut and poorly highlighted. Repartee ensues:
Me: (still writhing down the street) Hey! Hey!
The parking eyesore's polyester uniform is ill-fitting. I forgot to mention that. Continuing.
Me: Hello there! Whatcha doing?
(That was uncalled for. I knew what the malformation was doing, but I guess I needed a conventional conversation starter to get me warmed up. One must remember that since I'm a RAGING SOCIOPATH and I live in a pot hole, I don't talk to unattractive people very often.)
Eyesore: Well, Miss, I think I'm writing you up for a parking violation.
Me: (offended) You just assumed that this is my car?
This is when I look at my maroon hurse and see the pieces of rabbit fur coated in blood that are still stuck in my front bumper and the demon-inspired face antenna ball that I found at a Break Time.
I look down and realize that I'm wearing my "Santa Claus Hates YOU" shirt. It's got a few chunks of dead rabbit on it as well. Point taken.
Me: OK, so I don't know why I'm getting this ticket.
Eyesore: Well, ma'am, you didn't feed your meter.
I pick a piece of rabbit skin from my bumper and I try to shove it into the coin slot of the meter. (On a side note, I hate the phrase "coin slot". Just say it aloud. "Coin slot." Anywho...)
Eyesore: No, ma'am, you put CHANGE in.
Me: Let's talk business here. Mr. Andrew Jackson thinks that you should rethink the ticket and help yourself to a spa day at SuperCuts.
Eyesore: I don't accept bribery. Here is your ticket. Have a lovely day.
Meter Matron of PERPETUAL LONELINESS skulks off and I find myself with a parking ticket. Did you know that a parking ticket is $20 now? About three years ago I got about five parking tickets within a month (no joke, I swear) and I could have sworn they were $10. So I never really cared because I'm EXTREMELY RICH and I don't touch anything under $50 so I had to rack up five just so I could pay it.
So I have this $20 parking ticket that irks me and sits in my cup holder for a few weeks because it pisses me off and not only do I have to get a $20 bill from a gross ATM, but I also have to provide my own stamp. Screw that. I hate stamps. They're overpriced stickers with eagles on them. I hate stamps so hard.
Finally, today I decide to sort this out and send in my ticket. I go to a gross ATM in a King Soopers, I stop by the post office and get a sheet of ugly Liberty Bell stamps from an automated stamp dispenser because I'M A SOCIOPATH. And I read the envelope as I'm putting on the stamp, which happens to have a little clause saying...
"An additional fee of $5 will be added to your ticket if not paid within seven days of receipt."
SON OF A MOTHER.
WHY? Why am I being punished because I haven't seen a loose coin for the past five years? Am I to be punished for not being a pauper? How is this fair? Sorry I don't hoard coins! Sorry I'm rightfully repulsed by currency handled by pan-handling vagrants and Salvation Army santas that stand outside of Wal-Mart when it's cold to try to trick you into caring about bettering stranger's lives.
Then I glimpse a section of the envelope that tells me I can contest my ticket. HUZZAH! Justice may yet be served! But that's a lot of socializing with guttersnipes and potential fabrication as to why I don't feed my meter for a very little gain. Plus they'll probably bring up that whole hit-and-run incident that I had a few years back at the Wood-Lawn Nursing Home.
So NOW I have to get a $5 bill! Where the hell do you get those?! I don't even think I've ever seen one unless it was on TV. GROSS.
This is why I hate parking tickets. I'm debating paying the $5 laziness fee with Sacagawea dollars. Thoughts?
Lucy
This is why I hate parking tickets. I'm debating paying the $5 laziness fee with Sacagawea dollars. Thoughts?
Lucy
That's why I carry Cheez-Its everywhere I go. I use them to feed the poor people that push me around in their shopping carts. I'm simply not paying for parking.
ReplyDeleteThat's what you get for trying to like something. You should stop making your misfortune so entertaining, people will start wishing it upon you. (More than usual, I mean.)
ReplyDeleteYou should show the Sacagawea dollars to the Eyesore and tell her that SuperCuts could replicate Sacagawea's highly fashionable hairstyle.
ReplyDeleteThat's some good rage there. I needed that. I needed something to balance out everyone's diabetes-inducing 'Easter' happiness. Ta very much.
ReplyDeleteHahaha that's a good rage!! Following and supporting. alphabetalife.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteShe probably hasn't had a quarter thrown in her coin slot in a while....if you know what I mean. I recently stalked a person who had foolishly paid for an hour extra on their meter. As they were leaving, I squealed around the corner, cut some guy off and e-brake slid into the spot. The depths of my poverty are so deep that I have to conspire to steal 50 cents worth of parking time.
ReplyDeleteA $20 parking ticket isn't nearly as disgusting as the parking tickets I used to receive on a monthly basis: $75.
ReplyDeleteI got screwed. Big time.
you're on to something rafa. but that would be consciously exposing yourself to poor people, so maybe i'll try this with children instead.
ReplyDeletethat is the LAST time i ever try to like BOBA! that's such a lie. i spent too long cultivating my rich tastes to give up on BOBA now....
and i always did admire sacagawea's hair! i think she did a pretty good job seeing as there was no paul mitchell back in the day. or perms. troubled times indeed.
rich, i found the ugliest pictures of peeps arranged in little dioramas. i'll gift them to you soon and keep the diabetes flame ALIVE!
drone, i would be lying to you if i said that whenever i need to pay for a meter, i park at places, leave the hurse running and check the meter before i commit and turn off my car. i look pretty poor doing it, but i like to spend my money on fudge-covered oreos.
$75 for parking?! what were you driving? a team of horses engulfed in FLAME?
i would love to hear your rant on the 100 dollar towing fees at my college, which, if I may add, the college will not hesitate to inflict on their students with a capricious and unprecedented kind of weird satisfaction.
ReplyDeleteamerica sounds amazing. standard issue parking tickets in australia are $80. & you have automated stamp dispensers. & it sounds as though you can send cash in the mail to pay for official type things, which we most certainly cannot. it's either by cheque book, which i don't have, money order, which i don't understand, or credit card, which again, i don't have.
ReplyDelete