Burlington Coat Factory of FEAR

Today tragedy has striken.

MY HOME WAS FLOODED.

Here's a shot that I took for insurance reasons...

Simply TRAGIC.

In the wake of such an uncalled for disaster, I decided to waste no time. I must rebuild my life, from the ground up. So I went SHOPPING.

To be quite frank, I am a compulsive online shopper, partly because I am a lean, mean, coupon-finding machine and mostly because I'm a sociopath and someone told me once that a girl he knew got mange from a mall food court. Do I want mange? No, I don't.

But since I have no pothole to send my useless extravagances to, I must brave the elements and shop in broad daylight.

So this morning I popped a few Valium that I found in the glove box of my maroon hurse and went to a strip mall. For the record, strip malls are scary and this is from someone who lived in a pothole. Also, strip malls don't cater to me. I don't need to go to the Check Into Cash and I don't want a little girl decorating my nails with Tweety Birds via BLOWPEN so that knocks out about half of my options. Then I see a large sign for a place called....

BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY

Hmm.... Sounds rich enough for me! So I walk through the automatic doors and into MY VERY OWN PERSONALIZED HELL.

Here's a little secret for you. Burlington Coat Factory is nothing original. Guess what Burlington Coat Factory? You are just like Ross and TJ Maxx, only you have a misleading name. If I had known that Burlington Coat Factory was an exact replica of Ross and TJ Maxx, I would have licked the inside of my glove box for traces of crushed Valium.

OK, so I hate Ross and TJ Maxx because it's overkill. I walk in hoping to find a taupe 3/4 length sleeve cardigan. And this is what I see.

 

Really?

No deal is screaming enough to make me want to leaf through ravaged shelves before Little Miss Ill-Fitting Puffy Coat gets the last XS mud-hued Michelin Man jacket. Do people even work here? What are they doing? Can no one find a street urchin squeegee kid and pay them under the table to at least pick things up off of the floor? No deal is screaming enough for me to stoop down and actually pick something off of this scuffed linoleum floor. I am no PAUPER, ladies and gentlemen.

So I immediately left and upon closer inspection, I discovered that my arms and collarbone were coated with a strange dusting of poorly made bath salts. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL, BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY.

This is the one and only time I will ever give you a piece of advice that may actually better your life.

Take a picture, journal your thoughts, do whatever it is that you do when you know that something MONUMENTAL is about to occur right in front of your eyes.

Are you ready?

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GO INTO A BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY. Unless you enjoy buying things off of a floor and piano covers of Celine Dion trickling from a shorted-out PA system.

Until we meet again, coarse vermin....

Lucy