17 WAYS TO BE UNHEALTHY
1) Don't brush your teeth. EVER. And if you do, do it up Ke$ha style and douse your Sonicare in a bottle of Jack.
2) If it looks really cold outside, put on a sun dress.
3) Don't trust doctors. They're most likely robots. I could go into detail with this but we have 22 more tips to get through and THE WALLS HAVE EARS. All I can say is, they have unnaturally cold hands FOR A REASON.
4) Sleeping is a conspiracy. The only reason it was mandated is so that the doctors can leaf through your drawers and read your invisible ink journal while you're passed out. Lucky for you I've figured it out!
5) Switch to a diet consisting only of Cadbury eggs and Jarritos. This is how I keep my girlish figure AND stay awake to fight off the MD's.
6) Limit your exposure to the sun to ten minutes every two years.
7) When you brave the elements to drive, drive VIOLENTLY. No seatbelt, no rules, NO MORE PEDESTRIANS.
8) Drink A LOT. If you're not blacked out next to a dumpster in an alleyway every night, you're doing something wrong.
9) Frown. You use more muscles if you frown, thus making it harder. Think of it this way: if you go to a gym, do you spend more time doing eyebrow raises or booking it on the treadmill and trying to impress all of the twenty-somethings around you? Your face will be the buffest face on the block. Plus eyebrow raises will be WAY easier.
10) Gorge yourself on the alloted Cadbury egg and Jarritos diet I have put you on. Eat until you can't move your hands because they're covered in an inch of dried cream filling. See if you can digest the foil wrapper and skip having to unwrap every egg.
11) Bathing is another piece of doctor propaganda. Whenever you take a shower, a few of your secrets are washed off and deposited into your personal file for inspection. This is why I never take a shower after I've done something HORRIBLE.
12) Reading is boring. It's for antiques in nursing homes who are trying to avoid the thought of buying a pine condo.
13) Make enemies. Scary ones. Violent ones that you may or may not have tried to hit with your car.
14) Whenever you need to pee, make a little game with yourself where you try to hold it in for AS LONG AS YOU CAN. I've made it for a day and a half.
15) Wash your eyes out regularly with bleach.
16) HOLD GRUDGES.
17) Cultivate no hobbies. Sit in silence and think about how talented you will never be.
Till Friday!
Lucy
"Whenever you take a shower, a few of your secrets are washed off" haha.
ReplyDeletealso, i know it's kind of a joke but sadly i do most of those on that list.
Why are you telling people the secrets? Now there's gonna be a rush on jarritos and cadbury eggs, thus forcing them to raise the prices due to a limited supply. Luckily for me I know rule #18 which is STEAL.
ReplyDeleteBTW, U fucking rule. Oh well I'm off to work out my face in front of the mirror!
have you already caught on to the cadbury egg and jarritos diet, drone? it's basically atkins 2.0!
ReplyDeleteand no no no rafa, it is in fact YOU that effing rules! i'm glad to know that you don't believe in currency either....
Haha, girlish figure, emphasis on the ish. I look forward to your more regular posting, assuming I live to read it. Not that I read. Perish the thought
ReplyDeletewhat the hell is a jarrito?
ReplyDeletea burrito in a jar i hope...