Vlogging A.K.A. Giving Yourself A Reason To Ramble About Inconsequential Details in Your Life That I DON'T CARE ABOUT

Hello my little malnoursihed doves!

Do you know what I hate?

I HATE BORING VLOGS.

Today I found this little beauty....



WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIP YOUR EYEBALLS FROM THEIR SOCKETS?

I do.

Let me illuminate dor you why this inspires such an all-consuming rage in my cold, black heart:

1) The camera angle is all wrong. If you're going to tell me all about your insignificant life, I'd much rather have a good view of your face so I can make snide comments under my breath about how unattractive you are.

2) I know that whenever I want people to pay attention to me, I try to say something a little shocking or interesting to kick off the four conversations that I have ever had in my life. For example, I asked the hayride mutant, "So, what do you think of mercury poisoning?"

Good attention-getter. You would talk to anyone who says this to you, especially if they're moderately attractive.

But what little Mr. Europe thinks will pique his audience's interest is a self-deprecating remark on how bored he is, which is why he's deciding to vlog and drag otherwise un-boring people into his blanket of SOUL-SUCKING BORING. And if that isn't a good enough starting point, he proceeds to say something about how "nothing's really happened today". OH WOW. DO TELL.

3) But sometimes these "nothing really happened today" statements are an attempt at mild sarcasm. At this point, we're rooting for little Mr. Europe to pull a quick one on us and tell a story about how he accidentally microwaved his cat. So we hold on, we wait with baited breath for the pay off.....

OK. It's sunny.... A bitter comment on the global warming crisis perhaps? No? OK....

Oh! A letter from college you say? Perhaps a bill from the campus maintenance office for ruthlessly vandalizing the side of a Baroque staircase in the ball room? No? OK....

Wait, you had a job? Why did it not go well? Did you kill someone? No? OK....

OK....

OK.

It's over now.

And my life is no better than when it started. In that minute and a half, I could have applied a fresh coat of chupacabra blood to my talons. I could have extinguished the Bible that lit fire as soon as a passerby set it down on the sidewalk to tie their shoe in front of my home sweet hovel. All of these relatively useful things. But no.

Thank you vlog for restoring my faith in humanity's never-failing ability to be BORING AND EGOTISTICAL AT THE SAME TIME.

Lucy

P.S. I'll finally get some time this week to read all of your deligthfully angry and poignant blogs! Huzzah how I have missed it so!