MISTAKE NUMBER ONE.
Then I decided to brew a fresh cup of TIGER BLOOD and do a little Stumbling....
MISTAKE NUMBER TWO.
As a Stumbler, I'm pretty edgy. I've selected all the hot-button issues as my interests like drug use and guns so that other Stumblers will think I'm edgy. It's smoke and mirrors, fellow Stumblers. Guns scare me, mostly because they're really heavy and I always feel like one will end up near my mouth and it'll go off and I'll have to get facial reconstruction surgery which would be a crying shame because TIGER BLOOD does wonders for shrinking my pores.
Anywho, I'm stumbling and it's a decent night. I get a super trendy 8Tracks playlist of songs by Coldplay and Arcade Fire. Oh so trendy. I get a page about how eating apricot seeds can cure cancer but America wants us to die so apricot seeds are illegal. OK.
And then I StumbleUpon this....
Surreal Photo Manipulation
Catchy title, yes? This is what I used to think at first when I was young and naive. Now that I'm more experienced with the black abyss that is StumbleUpon, I know what this means.
It means that we get a little taste of THIS.
And a sprinkling of this...
Mmmhmm... Can't forget a dash of this!
Yeah.
So it's two in the morning, my TIGER BLOOD is getting cold, and this is what I'm looking at.
I HATE THIS.
I mean COME ON.
Are people honestly impressed? The fire horse is mundane to me. I ride one in to work every day at the Blue Sky Mausoleum. NEXT.
Chess man. WASH YOUR FACE. Next.
Loaf of bread hut? REALLY NOW? Un-economical.
And then there's water flame. Tealight water flame. If you're going for a water flame, why not do a TORCH of water? Aren't we going for the wow factor?
I just accidentally replaced my laptop wallpaper with THIS. And it doesn't even make sense! Dude wants to be a creepy jar pig (you know, those creepy pigs in jars that you see in Disney Channel Halloween movies?) How are you smoking, sir? You can't bring the cigarette underwater because it will go out unless you lit it with water flame. And even if you did, the lack of air in this creepy pig jar will put out water flame. Am I right or am I right?
I can handle the obvious Jesus hand-hole thing. Add the waterfall and I'm confused. Where's the water coming from? DAMNIT water flame, YOU STAY IN YOUR OWN POORLY MANIPULATED PHOTO.
But then they add the ants. Why? This is a non-sequitur. All of my ant friends wouldn't dream of going NEAR water flame. So now I know from experience that this is fake and I call up all of my ant friends and they get all mad because it's just not right to make it seem like ants enjoy crawling up Jesus' arm to water flame. It's just not right.
This is why I HATE YOU, PHOTO MANIPULATIONS. Now please excuse me while I remove creepy pig jar man from my background.Lucy
I am totally angry that these are fake! I wanted to make some tasty croutons out of that hut.
ReplyDeleteChess guy thinks he's so damn clever,but he's got the black Queen RIGHT NEXT to the white king. CHECK MATE IDIOT! Stick to Parchese!
ReplyDeleteBTW. Coldplay? Arcade Fire? better be careful, these infractions can be brought up at the "Cher fo Sainthood" commitee. I hope you have a better explanation.
I can't believe that the white king still had his knight and he didn't use it to protect the spot beside the king. What kind of amateur let's the queen move right in for the kill?
ReplyDeleteThe ants are a reference to Dali. Salvador Dali is a very famous surreal painter. He often painted ants into his compositions.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking how awesome it would be to live in a loaf house. You make me feel ashamed now. :(
ReplyDeleteAlso, why are all the white chess pieces ONLY on black spaces (and vice versa). I find that highly improbable in a real chess game.
I wish I were this creative when im unable to sleep!!
ReplyDeleteHow the hell did I make the exact same comment as someone else and not see it? I read all the comments before I posted. how lame. I just wanted to point out my lameness. I'm like that guy who jumps up behind Lebron James to get the rebound, only Lebron slams dunks the ball and I'm left sitting in the air looking a fool.
ReplyDeleteI can only assume that the ants are supposed to represent roman soldiers persecuting the Jesus waterfall.
ReplyDeleteThe horse in the ring of fire? That's my next tattoo. I can't decide on the boob or the ass, though. Boob, definitely boob. The world would be able to enjoy it more on my chest. Thanks. You've been very helpful.
ReplyDeletei completely overlooked the chess faux-paus, mostly because in middle school our teachers used chess as a punishment. true stories.
ReplyDeletei think perhaps we all need to set out and attempt to find loaf hut... i think it's just too realistic of a concept....